You slept like a baby from 10 pm to 4 am when you had to urinate. Then you dozed off again quickly and awoke at 7 AM. I know all this because I was awake most of the night. I couldn’t get comfortable. My back was sore. I periodically looked at my watch and spotted every hour as it ticked by throughout the night. My body is telling me that it was a bad idea to have stayed the night. I can’t do that again.
I tell you that my back is bad this morning. You lecture me. “You need to learn to accept help from others. I have learned this. You can’t do it all.” Wise words – I know them but I haven’t lived them. When will I learn?
I head home for a few hours to freshen up and get drugs for my back. Martha stayed with the children last night. When I got home she had everyone up and fed and ready to go. Tara is off for her run with Marianne on the Cobequid Trail. They ran 5 kilometers. Tara says that Marianne asked her to walk a little – Mmmm – I’ll have to ask Marianne how it went.
Paula, fellow parent at the school, came over to help out with yard work. What a welcomed sight. Harold, our neighbor, has been doing a lot of things in the garden. But those few extra things – help. Last week Valerie, from work planted some plants that I had bought but didn’t get into the ground and today Paula is putting in some bulbs. It’s nice to know that my beloved garden is being cared for.
I suggest that you make some calls to Ottawa but you don’t feel up to it. You are tired or you think you are tired.
Time is still a hurtle for you to over come. When you sleep – you might sleep for 5 hours but it seems like 5 minutes and when you are awake for 5 minutes, it seems like 5 hours.
Your bowel issues are starting to be a problem. Today, you had your second enema. I don’t think that this problem is a direct cause of you brain injury. I think it’s because you are getting almost 1700 calories over night and these calories trickle into you stomach at the rate of 120 mls per hour. There is no bolus feeding that would simulate meals better. I wonder if that and the PEG tube interfere with your gut motility.
Currently there are no barriers to food but I think that more fiber should be included in your diet to help the BM problems. A meat lovers pizza was probably not a good choice – although, I think you ate only one slice. I doubt that was the culprit.
We get Martha off to Ottawa by plane. When we get back to Truro, I get Quinn’s much needed shoes and a watch for you. It’s a large watch with a clock face that can be read easily. Hopefully, this will help you keep track of time better.
During our little shopping spree, Quinn found a toy he has wanted for some time. Tech Decks. Little finger skate boards. He decided to buy a package with his own money. There were two types; one for five dollars and two for ten dollars. He decided on the double pack so he could play with friends.
I bought it for him, with the promise to pay me back later. When we got into the car, he wanted to open the package. I said no – and explained that the Tech Decks belonged to me and until he paid for them he couldn’t open them. He didn’t like this news. After a few minutes of quiet, I said that if he wanted to, I would let him open them if he promised to pay me and extra dollar. “It’s called interest. Grown ups pay it all the time when they can’t wait for something.” I explained. Quinn didn’t like the sound of this scam – and said “No way, I’m not paying anymore then ten dollars. I’ll wait until tomorrow.” I smile, hopefully he just learned a little about delayed gratification and financial management.
After shopping, I drop off the kids and get a few groceries. One ‘To do’ list is finished. That feels good. Now other ‘To do’ list is started. Get on snow tires – heads the list.
I’m drained physically.
I visit with you for a few hours.
I talk with Laura and Marie, your nurses, and share with them my suspicions that the night feeding is not helping you. I think they interfere with interest in real food at normal mealtimes. It’s hard to be interested in eating breakfast when you have been fed all night via the tube. I discuss this with Laura, your nurse. She will put in a request with the dietician to reconsider the feeding schedule. If you don’t eat enough calories the natural way by the time you get to rehab, then they will want to bolus feed you so feeding doesn’t interfere with your therapies. It makes sense to look at this now.
I must confess that feel a little jealous over you with all the visitors you have had these past few days. I’m glad that you had visitors, but I also miss just being with you. Talking and sharing. I cherish tonight and the few hours we have together alone before I go to bed.
We talk about dreams – what’s the dream and what is real. Lately, I have noticed that sleep is good. When I sleep, I can escape for a while. I never usually remember my dreams, but I have a sense, in the morning of peacefulness, hope and energy. It’s hard to know how long this reality will last. No two brain injuries are the same. And no two patients are the some – therefore no two recoveries look the same. This makes it impossible to see the last chapter of your story. Sleep and dreams will get us through that time and help us deal with the outcome.
We talk about the possibilities that will emerge from this part of your life. “Don’t think about the losses, think about what you have gained.” You describe yourself as an underachiever. Achievement in the school setting means nothing in real life. I don’t know how a marathoner can be an underachiever. As a young person you have been labeled that. But that was then and this is now. I am proud of you and what you have achieved.
When I get home I notice the scent of cleaner in the house. Things look cleaner but I’m so tired – I can’t figure out what has changed – I know someone has done something good to the house.
I did notice a new addition to the garage, a tool holder peg board on the wall. I sense that Fran and her fellow fairies have been at work.
I go to bed early, Tara and Quinn and Annie are spending the night at Juanita’s with the cousins and Fran. For tonight, I am placing myself on the bench. My gut feels queasy and I’m exhausted and sore. I load up on tylenol and ibuprofen and go to bed. I need lots of rest to recharge myself for later.
As I left your bed earlier, I said have sweet dreams. Dream about your possibilities not your problems.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday November 13 – Martha Visit
Someone said to me this morning, “It’s a beautiful day… you never know how many we have left.” Those words have a new meaning to me.
It’s a Martha / Marsha morning. ‘M squared’ I come to your room in the morning before work, and you are holding court for Martha and Marsha. There are laughter and good feelings in the room. What a great way to begin your day. There is lots of positive energy.cd
I’m glad you need that. Yesterday, Dr. Carpenter came to do a bedside visual test on you. It’s crude but – the findings are obvious. You have no vision on the left side of your left eye and no vision on the left side of your right eye. A typical finding with brain injuries. He suggests that when you are more mobile, we get a proper visual field test done at his office. I, stupidly try to draw out from him some optimism that you can hear. He offers none. The losses are probably permanent. You are not happy with this finding. And want a second opinion.
You point out that you have always prided yourself on your ability to spot things that most people have to search for. This information is changing your definition of yourself. “I’m a invalid and I’m blind.”
I suggest that you are not an invalid – you are recovering from a brain injury and we don’t know what the end result will be. To define yourself as in invalid now only limits your possibilities for later. “Think big. Dr. Carpenter is an ophthalmologist, not a neurologist. He knows eye disease but his specialty stops at the optic nerve. You neurologist’s job starts at the optic nerve. He is just telling us – something we already know – your problem is in your brain. Don’t let the word – blind – limit your thinking.”
The M factor morning has helped move new ideas into your head. Martha heads home to get a little sleep – she was up most of the night. A hospital is no place to get a good night’s sleep, especially in a chair. She says that you slept well except of on wakeup in the middle of the night when you had to pee. A result of continuous liquid food through your PEG tube at night. Over night you take in 1440 mls of liquid food. The certainly is enough to fill a bladder at least twice in the night.
Once awake from doing your duty, you and Martha talked for a while. Martha felt had she not been there to talk to, you would have gone back to sleep.
When I get to work I learn that both, my sister, Juanita and Cecelia, a co-worker at the animal hospital have dreamt of you. In their dreams you are walking. Over the years, I have known Juanita and Cecelia to both have an innate ability to tap into some sort of psychic information highway in their dreams that is predictive of the future. The right side of my brain wants to believe in this -–it is a comforting thought.
It’s Friday the thirteenth. So at noon, I order some Chinese food for you to have with David. This is a tradition that you two started a few years ago. Whenever Friday the thirteenth surfaced you would dine with David, a friend from the Church. David is very good at reminding you of these dates. As far as I know you have not missed on date in the past 3-4 years. This time Martha will dine with you.
I got an email from Pete, a friend in Ottawa and a call from Sarah, Martha’s sister in London Ont. We slowly hatch a plan to make evening phone calls part of your evening routine to help with the anxiety of being alone.
We only have a few weeks, I hope, until you are ready for rehab. A few weeks to get your morale up and get you thinking positively about your up coming rehab adventure.
The positive messages that you get will help you get your attitude adjusted.
This, I hope will also take a little pressure off me to be by your side every night. The pace of being by you whenever I can is starting to get to me. I seem to have even less time to do things, like children activities, errands and groceries etc, now then ever before. Whenever I have a block of time open to do something – I find myself going to your side. The other things in life get put on the back burner. I can’t keep this pace up. I am looking forward to the day you go to rehab for many reasons. One of the reasons is, selfishly, to give me a little more time to myself.
Tonight, We planned on more Chinese food. It was Juanita’s idea. To mark your new beginning. With family and friends in Truro, we thought we would take advantage of this opportunity to mark it with them. Uncle John and Shirley, from England, Erin, Martha, Luiz, Neeson and Erik along with Juanita’s family and my Mother all collected in the cafeteria of the hospital after hours to celebrate with you.
It didn’t go as planned. You were tired and didn’t feel like getting in your chair, Erik was still quite ill and Luiz and Erik went to the airport to pickup my sister, Fran and head to the IWK for a check up. And Mum got to the hospital but quickly felt unwell and left to go home again. It was a bit of a flop. I though it would be good for you to see everyone around you supporting you but I was wrong. After the meal, we all went up to your room for a little visit. You seemed rallied with this.
We played the ‘TableTopics Family edition’ game. One of the questions was: “Would you stand by a friend who was disabled?” This question got your immediate attention. Rather then answering right away like you did with the other questions, you demanded Tara, Quinn and Martha’s answers. You should have know what they would have said – but I guess you needed to hear it.
The phone rings while we are visiting, It’s Fran. They are back from Halifax and discovered that Erik has both eardrums ruptured and has been started on antibiotics. He is grounded and can’t fly home as planned on Saturday. He and Fran will stay until the antibiotics start to work. You feel very sorry for poor Erik.
You want me to stay the night with you. I reluctantly agree. Last weekend I did something to my back (That’s right Emma – you can say – I told you to take it easy). The idea of toughing it out in a hospital chair over night worries me. After I get children settled, I return to the hospital. You are fast asleep. The night nurse took pity on me and found a cot for me to sleep on.
It’s a Martha / Marsha morning. ‘M squared’ I come to your room in the morning before work, and you are holding court for Martha and Marsha. There are laughter and good feelings in the room. What a great way to begin your day. There is lots of positive energy.cd
I’m glad you need that. Yesterday, Dr. Carpenter came to do a bedside visual test on you. It’s crude but – the findings are obvious. You have no vision on the left side of your left eye and no vision on the left side of your right eye. A typical finding with brain injuries. He suggests that when you are more mobile, we get a proper visual field test done at his office. I, stupidly try to draw out from him some optimism that you can hear. He offers none. The losses are probably permanent. You are not happy with this finding. And want a second opinion.
You point out that you have always prided yourself on your ability to spot things that most people have to search for. This information is changing your definition of yourself. “I’m a invalid and I’m blind.”
I suggest that you are not an invalid – you are recovering from a brain injury and we don’t know what the end result will be. To define yourself as in invalid now only limits your possibilities for later. “Think big. Dr. Carpenter is an ophthalmologist, not a neurologist. He knows eye disease but his specialty stops at the optic nerve. You neurologist’s job starts at the optic nerve. He is just telling us – something we already know – your problem is in your brain. Don’t let the word – blind – limit your thinking.”
The M factor morning has helped move new ideas into your head. Martha heads home to get a little sleep – she was up most of the night. A hospital is no place to get a good night’s sleep, especially in a chair. She says that you slept well except of on wakeup in the middle of the night when you had to pee. A result of continuous liquid food through your PEG tube at night. Over night you take in 1440 mls of liquid food. The certainly is enough to fill a bladder at least twice in the night.
Once awake from doing your duty, you and Martha talked for a while. Martha felt had she not been there to talk to, you would have gone back to sleep.
When I get to work I learn that both, my sister, Juanita and Cecelia, a co-worker at the animal hospital have dreamt of you. In their dreams you are walking. Over the years, I have known Juanita and Cecelia to both have an innate ability to tap into some sort of psychic information highway in their dreams that is predictive of the future. The right side of my brain wants to believe in this -–it is a comforting thought.
It’s Friday the thirteenth. So at noon, I order some Chinese food for you to have with David. This is a tradition that you two started a few years ago. Whenever Friday the thirteenth surfaced you would dine with David, a friend from the Church. David is very good at reminding you of these dates. As far as I know you have not missed on date in the past 3-4 years. This time Martha will dine with you.
I got an email from Pete, a friend in Ottawa and a call from Sarah, Martha’s sister in London Ont. We slowly hatch a plan to make evening phone calls part of your evening routine to help with the anxiety of being alone.
We only have a few weeks, I hope, until you are ready for rehab. A few weeks to get your morale up and get you thinking positively about your up coming rehab adventure.
The positive messages that you get will help you get your attitude adjusted.
This, I hope will also take a little pressure off me to be by your side every night. The pace of being by you whenever I can is starting to get to me. I seem to have even less time to do things, like children activities, errands and groceries etc, now then ever before. Whenever I have a block of time open to do something – I find myself going to your side. The other things in life get put on the back burner. I can’t keep this pace up. I am looking forward to the day you go to rehab for many reasons. One of the reasons is, selfishly, to give me a little more time to myself.
Tonight, We planned on more Chinese food. It was Juanita’s idea. To mark your new beginning. With family and friends in Truro, we thought we would take advantage of this opportunity to mark it with them. Uncle John and Shirley, from England, Erin, Martha, Luiz, Neeson and Erik along with Juanita’s family and my Mother all collected in the cafeteria of the hospital after hours to celebrate with you.
It didn’t go as planned. You were tired and didn’t feel like getting in your chair, Erik was still quite ill and Luiz and Erik went to the airport to pickup my sister, Fran and head to the IWK for a check up. And Mum got to the hospital but quickly felt unwell and left to go home again. It was a bit of a flop. I though it would be good for you to see everyone around you supporting you but I was wrong. After the meal, we all went up to your room for a little visit. You seemed rallied with this.
We played the ‘TableTopics Family edition’ game. One of the questions was: “Would you stand by a friend who was disabled?” This question got your immediate attention. Rather then answering right away like you did with the other questions, you demanded Tara, Quinn and Martha’s answers. You should have know what they would have said – but I guess you needed to hear it.
The phone rings while we are visiting, It’s Fran. They are back from Halifax and discovered that Erik has both eardrums ruptured and has been started on antibiotics. He is grounded and can’t fly home as planned on Saturday. He and Fran will stay until the antibiotics start to work. You feel very sorry for poor Erik.
You want me to stay the night with you. I reluctantly agree. Last weekend I did something to my back (That’s right Emma – you can say – I told you to take it easy). The idea of toughing it out in a hospital chair over night worries me. After I get children settled, I return to the hospital. You are fast asleep. The night nurse took pity on me and found a cot for me to sleep on.
Thursday November 12 – Time Passing and Time Warps
A plan is slowly developing to have visitors at the tough time of the day. Mildred from St Andrew’s Church has organized visitors for you most mornings. Mornings seem to be the tough time of the day and Marsha said she would come early morning to visit on the days she is not working.
This will help you start the day by keeping your morale up.
In Jill Taylor-Bolte’s book, My Stroke of Insight, she describes her stroke leaving her with an overwhelming feeling of being fluid with her surroundings. She didn’t see boundaries between her and the rest of the world. These feelings were a result of a left-sided injury. You have a right side injury and yet, I wonder if you have a smaller version of these feelings.
I was giving your back a scratch when you said to me, “Move a little over next to the tough in the living room and on top of the clock.” I wasn’t sure what you meant by this so I just moved the area I was scratching up your back “Ahhh, that’s the spot” you said.
Move a little over next to the tough in the living room and on top of the clock. What does that mean – was it a code for a better location? Were you having trouble finding the words to describe what you wanted? That seems hard to believe, since you haven’t really been lost for words since you got your voice back.
No, I think that your understanding of space, the third dimension (and time, the fourth dimension) are distorted. Your perceptions of where things are and where some of you body parts are – are different. I expect this perception can be relearned. This probably has to be relearned before any coordinated movements like walking can be mastered.
Since our bodies must interact with the environment all the time, having a good understanding of our boundaries is important. Gosh, we take a simple task like movement – for granted – We don’t appreciate what a finely tuned and coordinated task it is.
Your time continuum and my time continuum are vastly different. In our conscious hours, you find time is long and I find that time is short. For me, there never seems to be enough time. When we are unconscious (sleeping), the hours tick by very fast for you and for me they tick by far to slowly.
When I’m with you, time seems to pass far to quickly. Sitting in a hospital room with someone would normally be very difficult for me. I am not a person who can sit still for long. I have to do things … for time to pass – I have to be busy. Part of the reason this journal exists, is because I needed to be busy. Busy doing something, anything that might help you in the weeks and months to come. That is how I cope.
And yet, when I’m with you, time seems to fly by. I don’t know where the day goes. I find myself in disbelief that it’s time for me to leave you at the end of the day and time to go pick up children. Perhaps, somewhere in my awareness, I know that being with you IS doing something – I’m not just sitting beside your bed – holding down the furniture. My presence is helping you.
Thank God, I have sleep to escape to. Lately, I have found sleep wonderful. For, six or seven hours a night, I can actually turn off my worries and escape into the world of dreams. In my waking moments my worries find me again … so I must wear them for the day.
Today you had a pain. It was in your left shoulder. Without having to think, you indicated you had pain by immediately putting your right hand to your left shoulder. This sounds small – but it’s not.
A few weeks ago, you would have said “Ouch” but you wouldn’t be able to say where the pain was from exactly. A few weeks ago, if I said put your right hand on your left shoulder, you would have reached for something to the left of your body. You wouldn’t make contact with a body part. You probably would have touched the pillow or blankets, because you didn’t know where exactly your left shoulder was. Today, you located the pain directly and you did what we all do, you instinctively went to the hurting body part.
It’s a small step – but I think it represents big progress. You are connecting with your left.
Dr. Feltmate came in to see you. You told her of your goal to run again, Not just run but run a marathon. Actually, not just run a marathon but to win a marathon! She smiled briefly and reminded you that although that was an interesting long-term goal to have, she felt you should concentrate on other goals. Goals like sitting up in the bed. Then goals like walking. These are more tangible goals for you to reach for at this time.
Janine visited you today. Janine runs and is a speech therapist. She worked at the rehab center as a student. She offered you a little inside peel into the world of rehab. I think her pep talk has helped build your enthusiasm for the next chapter of your recovery.
Erin, Donald’s daughter is back in Canada. She came to visit. Erin is a retired nurse, who belongs to the ranks of nurturing nurses. In her spare time she practices reflexology. She gives your feet a wonderful massage. I’m not sure if reflexology is a science or an art, but it really doesn’t matter. It can’t hurt and if it helps you directly or indirectly – It’s all good.
While Erin is working her magic on your feet, I walk over to Tim Horton’s and get you a coffee. An Extra-large 4X4. Yep, that’s right 4 cream and 4 sugar. You like a little coffee with your cream and sugar. There are lots of calories in this drink. We will have to watch that you don’t over do the 4X4’s they are full of empty calories.
You had Murray, a fellow runner in his seventies. You always admired Murray and his commitment to running that spans decades. Murray still runs in the Cabot trail Relay along with his daughter, Christine. I suspect, when you see Murray, you see yourself in the future running along side Tara and Quinn.
Kevin, fellow runner and our chicken guy, came to see you. While Murray and Kevin were with us, Ainsley, your occupational therapist, got you in your chair and you had another driving lesson. Afterwards, Murray and Kevin and I took you outside of a wheel about in the sunshine. It’s a beautiful day.
While wheeling about, the three of you compared enema, urinary catheter and prostate exam stories. Snickers and giggles follow when you give them a blow by blow account of your enema experience. You share with them an enema fantasy that involves a ceiling fan. The story gets more graphic every time you tell it. Kevin is most interested in your perception of being on the receiving end of these procedures. He asks ‘probing’ questions. In his spare time, Kevin does first aid courses for everyone from the general pubic to first responders. His interest in your experiences, I think is purely professional.
I leave you with Kevin to have more of a visit. I walk over to the blood donor clinic and then home to meet the pellet stove repair guy. Stove is fixed at no charge! I am happy. Just getting a few things done in my routine life make it a good day.
Later in the day, Marianne visits and you try to share your enema story with her too. Her facial expressions reveal that she is not as interested as Kevin was but she continues to listen politely.
John K. came to visit. He has been following your story from the beginning. He visited you in Halifax before you woke up. You two have a good talk about things. John want to understand you perception of things better.
Luiz came to visit, followed by Uncle John and Aunt Shirley, who found you in the bathroom on that scary day. You thanked them for saving your life. David visited too. It’s been a busy visitor day.
You mood is changing over the past three days. It may be from the antidepressant. I doubt this is the case, because it usually takes longer then 5 days for it to work. I think it is actually from the continuous tickle of visitors who have given you their positive energy.
After I get the children back from piano lessons and ready for bed, Luiz comes over to sit with them while I head off to the airport to pick up Martha. Erik is still feeling sick. His ears hurt, sounds are muffled and there is a low-grade fever. Luiz is worried. I think, he will get him to a doctor tomorrow.
Martha is a good friend of Chris’ since childhood. Chris was one of a few young fellas in their neighborhood who would ‘stalk’ Martha and her sister, Sarah. Both Martha and Sarah held a special spot in Chris’ heart during the adolescent years and the friendships continued into adulthood. Chris would be included in their family outings to the cottage and weddings etc. Chris gave an awesome speech at Martha’s wedding. Martha and her family came out to Nova Scotia the summer Chris turned forty to help us celebrate. In the past two years, Martha has been a part of the Cabot Trail Relay – Tidal Boars team. Last year she helped a lot in supporting the runners of the team and loved doing it.
Martha lives in Ottawa with her family and works passionately at the Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) as a nurse.
Martha had just got off the plane when I got to the airport. In her hand was a special surprise. Pizza from a pizzeria place in Ottawa that you love called ‘Colonnade Pizza’. It’s the meat lovers pizza. We go directly to the hospital to hand deliver the pizza, now a little cold. You are in a bad mood, You feel that you had been waiting for hours, even though I told you the time line of Martha’s travel plans. Martha’s presence helped you soften your stance. You relaxed and enjoyed the pizza and her company.
Martha has said she would spend the night with you and watch over you. Martha has the amazing ability to pull all-nighters and carry on like nothing happened. Perhaps it’s her nursing background that has given her this skill. I’m glad that she offered to do this.
I have worried about your perception of how your time passes in the night. You feel that you don’t sleep. The nurses said you do but you feel that you are up all night. This weekend, I want to see where the truth lies. Martha will help.
I kiss you goodnight and leave you to sleep … with another woman.
This will help you start the day by keeping your morale up.
In Jill Taylor-Bolte’s book, My Stroke of Insight, she describes her stroke leaving her with an overwhelming feeling of being fluid with her surroundings. She didn’t see boundaries between her and the rest of the world. These feelings were a result of a left-sided injury. You have a right side injury and yet, I wonder if you have a smaller version of these feelings.
I was giving your back a scratch when you said to me, “Move a little over next to the tough in the living room and on top of the clock.” I wasn’t sure what you meant by this so I just moved the area I was scratching up your back “Ahhh, that’s the spot” you said.
Move a little over next to the tough in the living room and on top of the clock. What does that mean – was it a code for a better location? Were you having trouble finding the words to describe what you wanted? That seems hard to believe, since you haven’t really been lost for words since you got your voice back.
No, I think that your understanding of space, the third dimension (and time, the fourth dimension) are distorted. Your perceptions of where things are and where some of you body parts are – are different. I expect this perception can be relearned. This probably has to be relearned before any coordinated movements like walking can be mastered.
Since our bodies must interact with the environment all the time, having a good understanding of our boundaries is important. Gosh, we take a simple task like movement – for granted – We don’t appreciate what a finely tuned and coordinated task it is.
Your time continuum and my time continuum are vastly different. In our conscious hours, you find time is long and I find that time is short. For me, there never seems to be enough time. When we are unconscious (sleeping), the hours tick by very fast for you and for me they tick by far to slowly.
When I’m with you, time seems to pass far to quickly. Sitting in a hospital room with someone would normally be very difficult for me. I am not a person who can sit still for long. I have to do things … for time to pass – I have to be busy. Part of the reason this journal exists, is because I needed to be busy. Busy doing something, anything that might help you in the weeks and months to come. That is how I cope.
And yet, when I’m with you, time seems to fly by. I don’t know where the day goes. I find myself in disbelief that it’s time for me to leave you at the end of the day and time to go pick up children. Perhaps, somewhere in my awareness, I know that being with you IS doing something – I’m not just sitting beside your bed – holding down the furniture. My presence is helping you.
Thank God, I have sleep to escape to. Lately, I have found sleep wonderful. For, six or seven hours a night, I can actually turn off my worries and escape into the world of dreams. In my waking moments my worries find me again … so I must wear them for the day.
Today you had a pain. It was in your left shoulder. Without having to think, you indicated you had pain by immediately putting your right hand to your left shoulder. This sounds small – but it’s not.
A few weeks ago, you would have said “Ouch” but you wouldn’t be able to say where the pain was from exactly. A few weeks ago, if I said put your right hand on your left shoulder, you would have reached for something to the left of your body. You wouldn’t make contact with a body part. You probably would have touched the pillow or blankets, because you didn’t know where exactly your left shoulder was. Today, you located the pain directly and you did what we all do, you instinctively went to the hurting body part.
It’s a small step – but I think it represents big progress. You are connecting with your left.
Dr. Feltmate came in to see you. You told her of your goal to run again, Not just run but run a marathon. Actually, not just run a marathon but to win a marathon! She smiled briefly and reminded you that although that was an interesting long-term goal to have, she felt you should concentrate on other goals. Goals like sitting up in the bed. Then goals like walking. These are more tangible goals for you to reach for at this time.
Janine visited you today. Janine runs and is a speech therapist. She worked at the rehab center as a student. She offered you a little inside peel into the world of rehab. I think her pep talk has helped build your enthusiasm for the next chapter of your recovery.
Erin, Donald’s daughter is back in Canada. She came to visit. Erin is a retired nurse, who belongs to the ranks of nurturing nurses. In her spare time she practices reflexology. She gives your feet a wonderful massage. I’m not sure if reflexology is a science or an art, but it really doesn’t matter. It can’t hurt and if it helps you directly or indirectly – It’s all good.
While Erin is working her magic on your feet, I walk over to Tim Horton’s and get you a coffee. An Extra-large 4X4. Yep, that’s right 4 cream and 4 sugar. You like a little coffee with your cream and sugar. There are lots of calories in this drink. We will have to watch that you don’t over do the 4X4’s they are full of empty calories.
You had Murray, a fellow runner in his seventies. You always admired Murray and his commitment to running that spans decades. Murray still runs in the Cabot trail Relay along with his daughter, Christine. I suspect, when you see Murray, you see yourself in the future running along side Tara and Quinn.
Kevin, fellow runner and our chicken guy, came to see you. While Murray and Kevin were with us, Ainsley, your occupational therapist, got you in your chair and you had another driving lesson. Afterwards, Murray and Kevin and I took you outside of a wheel about in the sunshine. It’s a beautiful day.
While wheeling about, the three of you compared enema, urinary catheter and prostate exam stories. Snickers and giggles follow when you give them a blow by blow account of your enema experience. You share with them an enema fantasy that involves a ceiling fan. The story gets more graphic every time you tell it. Kevin is most interested in your perception of being on the receiving end of these procedures. He asks ‘probing’ questions. In his spare time, Kevin does first aid courses for everyone from the general pubic to first responders. His interest in your experiences, I think is purely professional.
I leave you with Kevin to have more of a visit. I walk over to the blood donor clinic and then home to meet the pellet stove repair guy. Stove is fixed at no charge! I am happy. Just getting a few things done in my routine life make it a good day.
Later in the day, Marianne visits and you try to share your enema story with her too. Her facial expressions reveal that she is not as interested as Kevin was but she continues to listen politely.
John K. came to visit. He has been following your story from the beginning. He visited you in Halifax before you woke up. You two have a good talk about things. John want to understand you perception of things better.
Luiz came to visit, followed by Uncle John and Aunt Shirley, who found you in the bathroom on that scary day. You thanked them for saving your life. David visited too. It’s been a busy visitor day.
You mood is changing over the past three days. It may be from the antidepressant. I doubt this is the case, because it usually takes longer then 5 days for it to work. I think it is actually from the continuous tickle of visitors who have given you their positive energy.
After I get the children back from piano lessons and ready for bed, Luiz comes over to sit with them while I head off to the airport to pick up Martha. Erik is still feeling sick. His ears hurt, sounds are muffled and there is a low-grade fever. Luiz is worried. I think, he will get him to a doctor tomorrow.
Martha is a good friend of Chris’ since childhood. Chris was one of a few young fellas in their neighborhood who would ‘stalk’ Martha and her sister, Sarah. Both Martha and Sarah held a special spot in Chris’ heart during the adolescent years and the friendships continued into adulthood. Chris would be included in their family outings to the cottage and weddings etc. Chris gave an awesome speech at Martha’s wedding. Martha and her family came out to Nova Scotia the summer Chris turned forty to help us celebrate. In the past two years, Martha has been a part of the Cabot Trail Relay – Tidal Boars team. Last year she helped a lot in supporting the runners of the team and loved doing it.
Martha lives in Ottawa with her family and works passionately at the Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) as a nurse.
Martha had just got off the plane when I got to the airport. In her hand was a special surprise. Pizza from a pizzeria place in Ottawa that you love called ‘Colonnade Pizza’. It’s the meat lovers pizza. We go directly to the hospital to hand deliver the pizza, now a little cold. You are in a bad mood, You feel that you had been waiting for hours, even though I told you the time line of Martha’s travel plans. Martha’s presence helped you soften your stance. You relaxed and enjoyed the pizza and her company.
Martha has said she would spend the night with you and watch over you. Martha has the amazing ability to pull all-nighters and carry on like nothing happened. Perhaps it’s her nursing background that has given her this skill. I’m glad that she offered to do this.
I have worried about your perception of how your time passes in the night. You feel that you don’t sleep. The nurses said you do but you feel that you are up all night. This weekend, I want to see where the truth lies. Martha will help.
I kiss you goodnight and leave you to sleep … with another woman.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wednesday November 11 – Live for Today? or Tomorrow?
Quinn slept through the night. He started out in his bed, at my suggestion so we could contain the virus. By 2am he had migrated to our bed. He was hot and feeling crappy. I couldn’t refuse him. But by the morning he was up at 6:30 am - bright and happy and ready to take on the day. He wanted to go to the airport to meet the Newfoundland cousins.
Terry G came over to sit with him while a collected Luiz, Neeson and Erik. Quinn agreed to stay and keep Terry company. I was worried that his reprieve from the fever was a short-term thing and he would fade again at the airport.
The plane was delayed 45 minutes. To kill time – I went to the bookstore at the airport. I don’t like to shop – but I could spend a lot of time in a bookstore. I wanted to find some light reading for you – perhaps visitors could read to you. As I looked at the latest Stuart MacLean book, I over heard the sales clerk talk to another customer. He was traveling on his birthday. The clerk said “Birthdays are special after all you only have so many birthdays.”
This thought hit home. You only have so many birthdays. On your last birthday, we were travelling to Newfoundland by ferry. We landed on your birthday. With all the planning for the trip – I hadn’t even thought of what to get you or how to make it special with a unique gesture. In a mad rush, we celebrated with Chinese food. The plan was thrown together at the last minute ... and you knew it.
Your next birthday will be a big bash. I am going to start planning it now. June 25 falls on a Friday so maybe we can have a weekend party. And from here on in – ALL birthdays count. Because you never know how many you will have left.
I settled on four books. Even though you can’t read right now. We will read them to you. Stuart MacLean’s latest book Extreme Vinyl Café - I thought would provide a little comic relief. The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom, and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch looked very thought provoking and insightful. Lastly a book of classic short stories, because you can never go wrong with a classic.
When I get to your room, you are in a happy mood. Marsha was in to visit you this morning and brought a coffee. I’m glad you have had a chance to meet her. She was my rock for many car rides back from Halifax. Always providing me with sound logical advise, helping me make plans to get information and put things into prospective.
Your Marsha-morning was good. I’m glad she is getting to know the real you now – She didn’t know you before your stroke. You said that you found Marsha to be a great motivator with lots of positive energy.
You reminisced about the trip we took to Boston last spring for the marathon. You said that the best memory you have from that vacation was on the day after the marathon. I dragged you out for a walk about the Boston Common. You and the children played a game of imaginary baseball in the ball field, I took pictures of the three of you, pretending to bunt, catch and throw out each other.
It was a magical moment in my mind too. Simple memories – of having fun. I am so happy you have your memories – memories make you who you are. We both want more of this type of good memories.
As you lay in bed, you notice a picture on the wall of your under 8 soccer team from last summer – ‘Team Greece’ to headline says. You read this aloud and point to the clock to say where the picture is located on the wall. The problem is that the picture is not near the top of the clock at all – it’s about 2 feet beside the clock.
When I point this out to you, you are confused. To you it looked like the picture and the clock were right next to each other. – Another example of the distorted view you have of things at this time. You can read and you can even see small details well but your view of where things are in space is distorted … This is the ‘wrinkle’ in your vision.
We talked about your future in rehab. Your tone is starting to shift. You are starting to sound almost eager to start rehab. You are not echoing the anxieties that you had. At this rate, by the time you get into the rehab hospital, you will be fully charged and ready to go. “What about visits from you?” you ask. “I’ll still visit on my days off and weekends” I answered. I don’t think you will miss us as much as you do now, you will be too busy working at rehab to miss us. Hopefully, by then you will be able to answer the phone better by yourself and we can call you every night.
Right now, just sitting in a chair tires you out. Kristin says that the chair is designed to make you work your core muscles. That effort, alone, wears you down. I get you to eat your lunch in the chair. Then you follow me down the hallways of the 4th floor negotiating around carts and equipment along the way. This exercise involves you driving the chair using a steering hand pump. It tires you mentally and physically.
A rehab ready goal is to be able to sit on the edge of your bed for about 30 minutes. We still have a long way to go.
Once we get back to the room, I stall and distract you a little longer to stay in the chair. I cut and wash your hair and trim your beard. In the process of the hair cut, some hair got on your back. While cleaning you off, I discovered a trick to keeping you in your chair … backrubs. I can give really good back rubs if you are in the chair. I can’t do that very well when you are in the bed. I shall make the most of this new trick.
You stated that you hadn’t cried at all so far today – that’s good – a sign you are moving on perhaps. We talk a little about your favorite TV shows. M*A*S*H is one of them. You have many of the good lines memorized. You recalled a particular M*A*S*H episode where a potential love interest (Aggy, a reporter) says to BJ “Live for today because there may be no tomorrow.” And BJ replies” I have to live for tomorrow because for me there is no today.” You start to cry as you say them, I cry when I realized how these words held a new meaning to you now.
Your appetite for lunch is fair. You are filled easily. For dessert, you have Mandarin oranges. “I don’t like Mandarin oranges.” You say and then add, “I don’t like Womandarian oranges either but they are better then thickener.” There is that warped sense of humour again.
You get a visit from Juanita. You had just had your first enema experience and you are obviously traumatized by the event. You feel the need to share all the graphic details of the process. At the end you summarize it by saying: “If there could be dry retches from enemas, then I had them. It’s not surprising … I shit out a small village! Oh well - Shit happens!”
Luiz, Neeson and Erik came to visit – you volley back and forth comments to the boys ... Just like you always have. You advise 13 year old Neeson that he “should eat your vegetables – you don’t want to need an enema.”
I tuck you in - Man are you ever sweet and loving – it’s like we just went back 20 years in our relationship. You want me to stay to morning so we can wake up together. It feels good. The new you has it’s fine points.
You get anxious when I leave for the night … It breaks my heart.
Good night Sweetie, Be Strong.
Terry G came over to sit with him while a collected Luiz, Neeson and Erik. Quinn agreed to stay and keep Terry company. I was worried that his reprieve from the fever was a short-term thing and he would fade again at the airport.
The plane was delayed 45 minutes. To kill time – I went to the bookstore at the airport. I don’t like to shop – but I could spend a lot of time in a bookstore. I wanted to find some light reading for you – perhaps visitors could read to you. As I looked at the latest Stuart MacLean book, I over heard the sales clerk talk to another customer. He was traveling on his birthday. The clerk said “Birthdays are special after all you only have so many birthdays.”
This thought hit home. You only have so many birthdays. On your last birthday, we were travelling to Newfoundland by ferry. We landed on your birthday. With all the planning for the trip – I hadn’t even thought of what to get you or how to make it special with a unique gesture. In a mad rush, we celebrated with Chinese food. The plan was thrown together at the last minute ... and you knew it.
Your next birthday will be a big bash. I am going to start planning it now. June 25 falls on a Friday so maybe we can have a weekend party. And from here on in – ALL birthdays count. Because you never know how many you will have left.
I settled on four books. Even though you can’t read right now. We will read them to you. Stuart MacLean’s latest book Extreme Vinyl Café - I thought would provide a little comic relief. The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom, and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch looked very thought provoking and insightful. Lastly a book of classic short stories, because you can never go wrong with a classic.
When I get to your room, you are in a happy mood. Marsha was in to visit you this morning and brought a coffee. I’m glad you have had a chance to meet her. She was my rock for many car rides back from Halifax. Always providing me with sound logical advise, helping me make plans to get information and put things into prospective.
Your Marsha-morning was good. I’m glad she is getting to know the real you now – She didn’t know you before your stroke. You said that you found Marsha to be a great motivator with lots of positive energy.
You reminisced about the trip we took to Boston last spring for the marathon. You said that the best memory you have from that vacation was on the day after the marathon. I dragged you out for a walk about the Boston Common. You and the children played a game of imaginary baseball in the ball field, I took pictures of the three of you, pretending to bunt, catch and throw out each other.
It was a magical moment in my mind too. Simple memories – of having fun. I am so happy you have your memories – memories make you who you are. We both want more of this type of good memories.
As you lay in bed, you notice a picture on the wall of your under 8 soccer team from last summer – ‘Team Greece’ to headline says. You read this aloud and point to the clock to say where the picture is located on the wall. The problem is that the picture is not near the top of the clock at all – it’s about 2 feet beside the clock.
When I point this out to you, you are confused. To you it looked like the picture and the clock were right next to each other. – Another example of the distorted view you have of things at this time. You can read and you can even see small details well but your view of where things are in space is distorted … This is the ‘wrinkle’ in your vision.
We talked about your future in rehab. Your tone is starting to shift. You are starting to sound almost eager to start rehab. You are not echoing the anxieties that you had. At this rate, by the time you get into the rehab hospital, you will be fully charged and ready to go. “What about visits from you?” you ask. “I’ll still visit on my days off and weekends” I answered. I don’t think you will miss us as much as you do now, you will be too busy working at rehab to miss us. Hopefully, by then you will be able to answer the phone better by yourself and we can call you every night.
Right now, just sitting in a chair tires you out. Kristin says that the chair is designed to make you work your core muscles. That effort, alone, wears you down. I get you to eat your lunch in the chair. Then you follow me down the hallways of the 4th floor negotiating around carts and equipment along the way. This exercise involves you driving the chair using a steering hand pump. It tires you mentally and physically.
A rehab ready goal is to be able to sit on the edge of your bed for about 30 minutes. We still have a long way to go.
Once we get back to the room, I stall and distract you a little longer to stay in the chair. I cut and wash your hair and trim your beard. In the process of the hair cut, some hair got on your back. While cleaning you off, I discovered a trick to keeping you in your chair … backrubs. I can give really good back rubs if you are in the chair. I can’t do that very well when you are in the bed. I shall make the most of this new trick.
You stated that you hadn’t cried at all so far today – that’s good – a sign you are moving on perhaps. We talk a little about your favorite TV shows. M*A*S*H is one of them. You have many of the good lines memorized. You recalled a particular M*A*S*H episode where a potential love interest (Aggy, a reporter) says to BJ “Live for today because there may be no tomorrow.” And BJ replies” I have to live for tomorrow because for me there is no today.” You start to cry as you say them, I cry when I realized how these words held a new meaning to you now.
Your appetite for lunch is fair. You are filled easily. For dessert, you have Mandarin oranges. “I don’t like Mandarin oranges.” You say and then add, “I don’t like Womandarian oranges either but they are better then thickener.” There is that warped sense of humour again.
You get a visit from Juanita. You had just had your first enema experience and you are obviously traumatized by the event. You feel the need to share all the graphic details of the process. At the end you summarize it by saying: “If there could be dry retches from enemas, then I had them. It’s not surprising … I shit out a small village! Oh well - Shit happens!”
Luiz, Neeson and Erik came to visit – you volley back and forth comments to the boys ... Just like you always have. You advise 13 year old Neeson that he “should eat your vegetables – you don’t want to need an enema.”
I tuck you in - Man are you ever sweet and loving – it’s like we just went back 20 years in our relationship. You want me to stay to morning so we can wake up together. It feels good. The new you has it’s fine points.
You get anxious when I leave for the night … It breaks my heart.
Good night Sweetie, Be Strong.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday November 10 – Family Games
Tara is up early and wants to go for a run! Last Sunday when she went out for a walk with Juanita and the dogs, she said she ran the whole way – running back and forth while waiting for the grownups to catch up. Juanita said she walked 2 kilometers. Tara thinks she did almost three times that. She believes that she is a runner … like her Daddy – her hero.
“Come on, call Marianne,” she pleads. “I can run with her.” I explain that this is a regular workday for most people and that I didn’t think Marianne would want to run right at that time. Tara disagrees. I persuade her to wait until Saturday to go for a run. Then I cleverly change the subject and tell her about an invite for her to do a sleep over tonight. Her enthusiasm has sky rocketed again.
It’s an in-service day. Quinn is still feeling a little off. We go to the hospital for a little visit. Tara plays her ukulele while I unpack the game I found last night. It’s called ‘TableTopics Family edition’. Tara’s sharp eyes spot it right away. “What’s that?” she asked. “It’s a game I thought you and Quinn might be able to play with Daddy.”
She dives right in and starts firing questions at you. Simple questions, thoughtful questions and philosophical thought provoking questions.
“Would you rather be a poor player on a winning team or a good player on a losing team?” She asks you. “A good player on a losing team.” you reply without a pause to think. Both Tara and Quinn agree with your answer. They have learned from you the importance of being true to the spirit of the game not the win.
“If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?” “Ireland” That’s not a surprise answer – Ireland has always held a mystic interest for you ever since I’ve known you. We both thought that our next big trip away would involve Ireland and the children.
“If all your wishes could come true – what would your life be like?” There is a little pause then you said “Empty”. “Empty, why empty?” I asked. “I’d be so busy with all the things in my life that I wouldn’t take time to appreciate the most important things.”
“Who is your hero?” Tara and Quinn both say that you are their hero because you choose to live. You say that I should be their hero. They don’t buy it. You say your hero is “Rod Carew for playing baseball right.”
“What do you most worry about?” Tara asks. Your reply is “My family”
There were many questions and many answers – some expected, some a surprise. The game certainly engaged both Tara and Quinn with you. It was a pleasure to witness.
After a while, Tara and I play a game of Truth or Dare – My dare is to wear my hair styled by her for a full day – I talk her down to 10 minutes. Tara goes to town on ‘styling’ my hair while I read get well soon cards to you. When Kristin and Jacinda come in they both comment on the unusual hairdo I have – “It’s my Dr. Suessian hair-do” I looked a little like a ‘Who’ from Whoville in the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’.
Tara is very interested in your physio session. Kristin gets you sitting on the side of the bed – you are getting better – much stronger and you are finding your balance. As you balance your torso, you intermittently give Kristin high fives to the right, in the middle and to the left of your field of vision. You have to really search to find her hand, poised in the air to your left, waiting for your hand to make contact.
You are certainly better then last week.
Tara helps Ainsley guide you to operate the wheel chair. You take it for a drive down the hall – navigating past the many carts and chairs and laundry bins in the hall. Your reduced visual field makes it difficult. Lately you have described ‘wrinkles’ in what you see. I can almost imagine this – Julia, who had an aneurysm, described a similar aberration in her vision. It’s not surprising – Dr. McNally, felt that your visual field will always be reduced but I hope the details of your vision sort themselves out.
The chair really tires you out. We have to beg you to eat lunch in the chair. I think that this may be a point of recovery that you well get hung up on.
Quinn was fading fast after lunch. I hope he didn’t infect you. He kept pretty much to himself during the visit. I have to carry him out of the hospital. He’s heavy. He has a fever now. Once home, I gave him some medication and he fell asleep. Tara hangs out with him – I advise her to not touch his tissues etc.
I go outside and work on Annie proofing the back yard. It feels so good to be outside in the garden – three hours pass in a flash. Quinn slept, Tara did some homework on the computer and I recharged myself in the garden. All things considered, It was a good afternoon.
Because Quinn is ill, I can’t get in to see you at night, I call you but you don’t answer. The nurses probably moved the phone. I call Terry G to see if she would stay with the children while I go to the hospital. She had her vaccine but the time period for it to work hasn’t passed yet.
Terry calls a friend who is working at the hospital. She fixes up the phone. Before I get a chance to call you, Caroline, from the school, calls from the hospital – she asks about Quinn for you. You say that I need not come over tonight because ”I’m a grown-up.”
You haven’t changed – if you can worry about someone else – you don’t think so much about yourself.
Tara heads off to her friend’s for a sleep over. That should be fun for her.
Quinn fell asleep at 5pm. He is sick. Oh boy I hope this isn’t the beginning of the H1N1 virus.
“Come on, call Marianne,” she pleads. “I can run with her.” I explain that this is a regular workday for most people and that I didn’t think Marianne would want to run right at that time. Tara disagrees. I persuade her to wait until Saturday to go for a run. Then I cleverly change the subject and tell her about an invite for her to do a sleep over tonight. Her enthusiasm has sky rocketed again.
It’s an in-service day. Quinn is still feeling a little off. We go to the hospital for a little visit. Tara plays her ukulele while I unpack the game I found last night. It’s called ‘TableTopics Family edition’. Tara’s sharp eyes spot it right away. “What’s that?” she asked. “It’s a game I thought you and Quinn might be able to play with Daddy.”
She dives right in and starts firing questions at you. Simple questions, thoughtful questions and philosophical thought provoking questions.
“Would you rather be a poor player on a winning team or a good player on a losing team?” She asks you. “A good player on a losing team.” you reply without a pause to think. Both Tara and Quinn agree with your answer. They have learned from you the importance of being true to the spirit of the game not the win.
“If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?” “Ireland” That’s not a surprise answer – Ireland has always held a mystic interest for you ever since I’ve known you. We both thought that our next big trip away would involve Ireland and the children.
“If all your wishes could come true – what would your life be like?” There is a little pause then you said “Empty”. “Empty, why empty?” I asked. “I’d be so busy with all the things in my life that I wouldn’t take time to appreciate the most important things.”
“Who is your hero?” Tara and Quinn both say that you are their hero because you choose to live. You say that I should be their hero. They don’t buy it. You say your hero is “Rod Carew for playing baseball right.”
“What do you most worry about?” Tara asks. Your reply is “My family”
There were many questions and many answers – some expected, some a surprise. The game certainly engaged both Tara and Quinn with you. It was a pleasure to witness.
After a while, Tara and I play a game of Truth or Dare – My dare is to wear my hair styled by her for a full day – I talk her down to 10 minutes. Tara goes to town on ‘styling’ my hair while I read get well soon cards to you. When Kristin and Jacinda come in they both comment on the unusual hairdo I have – “It’s my Dr. Suessian hair-do” I looked a little like a ‘Who’ from Whoville in the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’.
Tara is very interested in your physio session. Kristin gets you sitting on the side of the bed – you are getting better – much stronger and you are finding your balance. As you balance your torso, you intermittently give Kristin high fives to the right, in the middle and to the left of your field of vision. You have to really search to find her hand, poised in the air to your left, waiting for your hand to make contact.
You are certainly better then last week.
Tara helps Ainsley guide you to operate the wheel chair. You take it for a drive down the hall – navigating past the many carts and chairs and laundry bins in the hall. Your reduced visual field makes it difficult. Lately you have described ‘wrinkles’ in what you see. I can almost imagine this – Julia, who had an aneurysm, described a similar aberration in her vision. It’s not surprising – Dr. McNally, felt that your visual field will always be reduced but I hope the details of your vision sort themselves out.
The chair really tires you out. We have to beg you to eat lunch in the chair. I think that this may be a point of recovery that you well get hung up on.
Quinn was fading fast after lunch. I hope he didn’t infect you. He kept pretty much to himself during the visit. I have to carry him out of the hospital. He’s heavy. He has a fever now. Once home, I gave him some medication and he fell asleep. Tara hangs out with him – I advise her to not touch his tissues etc.
I go outside and work on Annie proofing the back yard. It feels so good to be outside in the garden – three hours pass in a flash. Quinn slept, Tara did some homework on the computer and I recharged myself in the garden. All things considered, It was a good afternoon.
Because Quinn is ill, I can’t get in to see you at night, I call you but you don’t answer. The nurses probably moved the phone. I call Terry G to see if she would stay with the children while I go to the hospital. She had her vaccine but the time period for it to work hasn’t passed yet.
Terry calls a friend who is working at the hospital. She fixes up the phone. Before I get a chance to call you, Caroline, from the school, calls from the hospital – she asks about Quinn for you. You say that I need not come over tonight because ”I’m a grown-up.”
You haven’t changed – if you can worry about someone else – you don’t think so much about yourself.
Tara heads off to her friend’s for a sleep over. That should be fun for her.
Quinn fell asleep at 5pm. He is sick. Oh boy I hope this isn’t the beginning of the H1N1 virus.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday November 9 – Second Chance Club
We woke up late this morning, I forgot to set the alarm clocks and for once I didn’t wake up automatically at 6AM. We had 20 minutes to leave for school. Tara goes into turbo charge and leaves for school on time, Quinn, who was coughing a lot last night, is a little slower. Quinn has no fever and he says he feels fine – I get him to school but he is late.
After work, the race continues. I race to vote, deliver your special ballot, pay the car insurance and get groceries before seeing you.
We talked a lot about your new beginning and the Second Chance Club. This is your second chance to find more meaning in your life. I like to think that we both belong to the second chance club – we both have paid the price of admission. What path will we take to make the second chance count? “I had some dreams and hopes but I don’t know yet what it will be.” Whatever it is you will do something that will touch other people’s hearts and souls and inspire them to do the some.
It may take weeks or months, possibly years to figure out what we will do with our second chance. The second chance is a process not an event. We will have to be patient and wait and see what the second chance will inspire in us.
Your nurse, Marie, said that Dr. Feltmate has definitely got a consult with the local urologist. She advised me to call and cancel the appointment in Hailfax for December. By the time the December appointment comes – You will probably have resolved your urinary issues.
You express your concerns about the rehab. “Do you think they will just leave me on the floor until I do something? I hope they will be reasonable. I like phys ed, and I like physical stuff but I don’t know how intense I can get now.”
“I could come home now. What if I don’t improve much past a certain point then we will have to do some changes to the house.” Yep. A four level split house is not the best layout out for a person challenged with mobility issues. “We’ll have to be patient and not think about that too much – I expect rehab will help a lot. Let’s see what we need to do once you are back from rehab.”
“I don’t like the mornings. I hate being so paranoid and lonely – wanting to ask for something or just talk. It’s a wasteland.” You said. “I was hoping that I could just grab hold of one of the nurses and cling onto them and sleep be their feet.” “Like a lost puppy” I said, “Yeah, a lost puppy dog.”
After thinking about Tara and her interaction with you – I remembered a little question game that I got a few years ago. I was going to get it out of hiding when we took our next big road trip – so that we would have something thought provoking and bonding to do along the way. Well this is a road trip … of sorts. It’s time to see what it might do. This might be the ticket to getting you and Tara to talk together.
After work, the race continues. I race to vote, deliver your special ballot, pay the car insurance and get groceries before seeing you.
We talked a lot about your new beginning and the Second Chance Club. This is your second chance to find more meaning in your life. I like to think that we both belong to the second chance club – we both have paid the price of admission. What path will we take to make the second chance count? “I had some dreams and hopes but I don’t know yet what it will be.” Whatever it is you will do something that will touch other people’s hearts and souls and inspire them to do the some.
It may take weeks or months, possibly years to figure out what we will do with our second chance. The second chance is a process not an event. We will have to be patient and wait and see what the second chance will inspire in us.
Your nurse, Marie, said that Dr. Feltmate has definitely got a consult with the local urologist. She advised me to call and cancel the appointment in Hailfax for December. By the time the December appointment comes – You will probably have resolved your urinary issues.
You express your concerns about the rehab. “Do you think they will just leave me on the floor until I do something? I hope they will be reasonable. I like phys ed, and I like physical stuff but I don’t know how intense I can get now.”
“I could come home now. What if I don’t improve much past a certain point then we will have to do some changes to the house.” Yep. A four level split house is not the best layout out for a person challenged with mobility issues. “We’ll have to be patient and not think about that too much – I expect rehab will help a lot. Let’s see what we need to do once you are back from rehab.”
“I don’t like the mornings. I hate being so paranoid and lonely – wanting to ask for something or just talk. It’s a wasteland.” You said. “I was hoping that I could just grab hold of one of the nurses and cling onto them and sleep be their feet.” “Like a lost puppy” I said, “Yeah, a lost puppy dog.”
After thinking about Tara and her interaction with you – I remembered a little question game that I got a few years ago. I was going to get it out of hiding when we took our next big road trip – so that we would have something thought provoking and bonding to do along the way. Well this is a road trip … of sorts. It’s time to see what it might do. This might be the ticket to getting you and Tara to talk together.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday November 8 - Gained a Little Insight
I have been noticing that Tara is quite reserved when we visit. She always makes sure she has something to do … it might be a book or her ukulele or paper and pen to draw or write. She has to have something to do. I had thought that Tara was just plain resilient – she’s a teflon kid – nothing seems to stick to her emotionally. I’m starting to think differently now – I wonder if some of her holding back emotionally has been a protective thing for her.
She has always been good at protecting herself perhaps this is a different way of protecting herself. After all, you are her idol. I can’t begin to count the number of times I have heard to phrase “That’s not what Daddy says/does/thinks.” I heard this plenty of times before your stroke, now after your stroke it makes a daily appearance. Tara seems to feel the need to fill in for you when it comes to deciding on the little things.
Perhaps she just hasn’t got used seeing her hero look so vulnerable.
Tara starts every day enthusiastic and full of energy. Tara’s enthusiasm seems to fade once we get to the hospital. She keeps her distance from you. She will still talk to you, but only if I try to include her into the conversation and she will kiss you goodbye if I ask her to do it.
Tuesday is an in-service day and Wednesday is Remembrance Day – we have a weekend in the middle of the week. I think that I will try to find some games that you can play with the children to try to create a little interaction that is not too taxing on you but stimulating for the kids.
Steve called this morning to get an update on you and the family. For the first time, I opened up my ‘closet’ of worries about Tara. I have always found that if I talk out my worries then the solution will find a way into my mind. My talk with Steve was no exception.
We get to the hospital late morning with a picnic lunch in tow. You are quite anxious about being alone in the morning. You had a bad morning because I was late. Your mornings pass very slowly and you have feels of abandonment and loneliness.
The children and I eat the picnic lunch, while you eat your hospital food - which looks really good but you wouldn’t eat much. You just don’t have much of an appetite. Cindy the dietician wants you to gain weight – you won’t at this rate.
After lunch, we get you in the wheel chair and go outside in the fresh air. Annie was waiting patiently in the car to see you. You were worried that she would have forgotten you. She didn’t - Annie know exactly who you were – no shyness at all – it’s as if you parted ways only yesterday. She enjoys ear rubs and retrieves the rawhide bone for you. You said “It’s too bad she can’t come and sleep with me and keep me company in the hospital.”
As we play with Annie, Karen and Hollis arrive to visit. Hollis really made an impression on you. “What a nice guy – I remember him from the post office.” You spoke of Hollis a few more times throughout the day – I think he is your newest mentor. Karen was bubbling with enthusiasm over your recovery to date. Her words must have made you feel pretty good because you said “I think we should get you on speed dial.”
The more you hear how well you are doing – the more likely you are to believe it.
Quinn has been writing a story, in french, all weekend – he is on page 10 now – he proudly reads you some and makes you guess how long it’s going to be. “It’s going to be 29 pages” He announces grining. He knows that 29 is a magic number.
Joyce and Win, from the church, visit you. They have been married of 64 years and known each other for 68. They have seen a lot of life. “This is a trial run.” Win says to us. “It’s a trial run that will test you.” This is so true. This experience has tested both of us. We are being tested and “We are passing” – as you would say. We will graduate to the “Second Chance Club”.
After Win and Joyce left, we talked about the “Second Chance Club”. “I’ll bet there are a lot of members.” I said. There are people who were given second chances for many things. Gaining membership into the club is the easy part – it’s the staying in the club that is the hard part. To stay in the club – one has to “make a positive difference in someone else’s life.” You added.
Some how we will find our way to that point.
Wayne arrives with Maddie. The children go with him and take Annie to go and play at Wayne and Juanita’s home. Annie will have fun with their dog, Charlie. I stay and hang out with you.
I suggested we call Ottawa but you don’t feel like talking on the phone. Instead, you watch football while I work on the computer and read – it’s almost like our normal life before the stroke ... but not quite. There is a sense of peace and understanding between us that I haven’t felt for a long time.
During the football game, John H called from Ottawa. He last saw you when you were in the intermediate care unit. He will see a big improvement since then. You were his best man many years ago. You ask him “You aren’t going to get a new best man are you?” In today’s world, brides come and go but a best man is forever.
We talk about the future – it feels good to do a little life planning with you. “Let’s buy some property in Cape Breton.” I like the idea but I say “I’ll wait until you are home and can help build us a home.” We talk about traveling “Where do you want to go of a family vacation?” You ask. “UK and Ireland.” I reply, wanting our children to find some roots of their own in the geography of these lands.
We cuddle. How much I missed this activity. Even before the stroke – life was busy – we both forgot to take time out for the finer things in life like sitting together and cuddling. “I think I appreciate life better now, I want to do more family things now.” I smile at the thought.
We may have lost a few things (you lost more then I have) and yet, we have also gained some things too – We gained a little insight into life and it’s true purpose.
I climb into bed with you. It’s a tight fit. I read you some more email messages. Marsha visits. “What’s this? Bedtime stories in bed?” I suddenly realize how crazy it must look – to have two adults crammed into a hospital bed.
Marsha and Marianne have started to run a little. “I jog really” Marsha says. In my dictionary – jogging is just another way to run. Marsha is a morning person. On the days she doesn’t work in Halifax, she will come in the mornings and have morning coffee with you. This might help break up the long days.
As I settle the children into bed, after navigating around all their stalling tactics, they try to picture how you are going to come home. Tara wants to build ramps everywhere and Quinn is worried about where you would sleep. “Hopefully, Daddy will sleep in the big bed and then we will have to kick you out to your bed – do you think that will be alright? Can you sleep in your bed if Daddy comes home?” I ask. “Oh Yes, I can do that.” Quinn grins.
A NOTE TO LOCAL FRIENDS WITH FREE MORNINGS:
Chris needs visitors to keep him up. The past few days have been hard for him when he is alone. He is scared and feels abandoned and helpless. Time reference holds nothing for him - he is lost if it's 5 min or 5 hours - this is especially true in the mornings.
Because he is in a private room - he can have visitors pretty much anytime - Tomorrow - I will ask if there is a time that best to have no visitors. currently the physio team gwet to him late morning or early afternoon. - there is no pattern. so the mornings are quite long - because often he is up at 5 AM.
Mornings are the hardest for me to get to him - between work and children and school - there is no time to go to him in the mornings except on Tues and Thurs after the children are off to school.
He is unable to read - so you can read the newspaper or a book or get well cards - (he has only been read the ones on the wall - not the ones in the green Sobey's bag in his room). There is also a trivial pursuit game in his room that will help pass the time (he is worried that he has forgotten trivial things (but he hasn't), and hopefully, eventually, he will be able to play cards.
I am hoping to find people who can visit for a while in the mornings and have a cup of coffee or something and help pass the time. If I had a list of several people and what day is best to visit then they could rotate the mornings or other times in the day. I believe that this would really help his motivation for recovery.
I have been noticing that Tara is quite reserved when we visit. She always makes sure she has something to do … it might be a book or her ukulele or paper and pen to draw or write. She has to have something to do. I had thought that Tara was just plain resilient – she’s a teflon kid – nothing seems to stick to her emotionally. I’m starting to think differently now – I wonder if some of her holding back emotionally has been a protective thing for her.
She has always been good at protecting herself perhaps this is a different way of protecting herself. After all, you are her idol. I can’t begin to count the number of times I have heard to phrase “That’s not what Daddy says/does/thinks.” I heard this plenty of times before your stroke, now after your stroke it makes a daily appearance. Tara seems to feel the need to fill in for you when it comes to deciding on the little things.
Perhaps she just hasn’t got used seeing her hero look so vulnerable.
Tara starts every day enthusiastic and full of energy. Tara’s enthusiasm seems to fade once we get to the hospital. She keeps her distance from you. She will still talk to you, but only if I try to include her into the conversation and she will kiss you goodbye if I ask her to do it.
Tuesday is an in-service day and Wednesday is Remembrance Day – we have a weekend in the middle of the week. I think that I will try to find some games that you can play with the children to try to create a little interaction that is not too taxing on you but stimulating for the kids.
Steve called this morning to get an update on you and the family. For the first time, I opened up my ‘closet’ of worries about Tara. I have always found that if I talk out my worries then the solution will find a way into my mind. My talk with Steve was no exception.
We get to the hospital late morning with a picnic lunch in tow. You are quite anxious about being alone in the morning. You had a bad morning because I was late. Your mornings pass very slowly and you have feels of abandonment and loneliness.
The children and I eat the picnic lunch, while you eat your hospital food - which looks really good but you wouldn’t eat much. You just don’t have much of an appetite. Cindy the dietician wants you to gain weight – you won’t at this rate.
After lunch, we get you in the wheel chair and go outside in the fresh air. Annie was waiting patiently in the car to see you. You were worried that she would have forgotten you. She didn’t - Annie know exactly who you were – no shyness at all – it’s as if you parted ways only yesterday. She enjoys ear rubs and retrieves the rawhide bone for you. You said “It’s too bad she can’t come and sleep with me and keep me company in the hospital.”
As we play with Annie, Karen and Hollis arrive to visit. Hollis really made an impression on you. “What a nice guy – I remember him from the post office.” You spoke of Hollis a few more times throughout the day – I think he is your newest mentor. Karen was bubbling with enthusiasm over your recovery to date. Her words must have made you feel pretty good because you said “I think we should get you on speed dial.”
The more you hear how well you are doing – the more likely you are to believe it.
Quinn has been writing a story, in french, all weekend – he is on page 10 now – he proudly reads you some and makes you guess how long it’s going to be. “It’s going to be 29 pages” He announces grining. He knows that 29 is a magic number.
Joyce and Win, from the church, visit you. They have been married of 64 years and known each other for 68. They have seen a lot of life. “This is a trial run.” Win says to us. “It’s a trial run that will test you.” This is so true. This experience has tested both of us. We are being tested and “We are passing” – as you would say. We will graduate to the “Second Chance Club”.
After Win and Joyce left, we talked about the “Second Chance Club”. “I’ll bet there are a lot of members.” I said. There are people who were given second chances for many things. Gaining membership into the club is the easy part – it’s the staying in the club that is the hard part. To stay in the club – one has to “make a positive difference in someone else’s life.” You added.
Some how we will find our way to that point.
Wayne arrives with Maddie. The children go with him and take Annie to go and play at Wayne and Juanita’s home. Annie will have fun with their dog, Charlie. I stay and hang out with you.
I suggested we call Ottawa but you don’t feel like talking on the phone. Instead, you watch football while I work on the computer and read – it’s almost like our normal life before the stroke ... but not quite. There is a sense of peace and understanding between us that I haven’t felt for a long time.
During the football game, John H called from Ottawa. He last saw you when you were in the intermediate care unit. He will see a big improvement since then. You were his best man many years ago. You ask him “You aren’t going to get a new best man are you?” In today’s world, brides come and go but a best man is forever.
We talk about the future – it feels good to do a little life planning with you. “Let’s buy some property in Cape Breton.” I like the idea but I say “I’ll wait until you are home and can help build us a home.” We talk about traveling “Where do you want to go of a family vacation?” You ask. “UK and Ireland.” I reply, wanting our children to find some roots of their own in the geography of these lands.
We cuddle. How much I missed this activity. Even before the stroke – life was busy – we both forgot to take time out for the finer things in life like sitting together and cuddling. “I think I appreciate life better now, I want to do more family things now.” I smile at the thought.
We may have lost a few things (you lost more then I have) and yet, we have also gained some things too – We gained a little insight into life and it’s true purpose.
I climb into bed with you. It’s a tight fit. I read you some more email messages. Marsha visits. “What’s this? Bedtime stories in bed?” I suddenly realize how crazy it must look – to have two adults crammed into a hospital bed.
Marsha and Marianne have started to run a little. “I jog really” Marsha says. In my dictionary – jogging is just another way to run. Marsha is a morning person. On the days she doesn’t work in Halifax, she will come in the mornings and have morning coffee with you. This might help break up the long days.
As I settle the children into bed, after navigating around all their stalling tactics, they try to picture how you are going to come home. Tara wants to build ramps everywhere and Quinn is worried about where you would sleep. “Hopefully, Daddy will sleep in the big bed and then we will have to kick you out to your bed – do you think that will be alright? Can you sleep in your bed if Daddy comes home?” I ask. “Oh Yes, I can do that.” Quinn grins.
A NOTE TO LOCAL FRIENDS WITH FREE MORNINGS:
Chris needs visitors to keep him up. The past few days have been hard for him when he is alone. He is scared and feels abandoned and helpless. Time reference holds nothing for him - he is lost if it's 5 min or 5 hours - this is especially true in the mornings.
Because he is in a private room - he can have visitors pretty much anytime - Tomorrow - I will ask if there is a time that best to have no visitors. currently the physio team gwet to him late morning or early afternoon. - there is no pattern. so the mornings are quite long - because often he is up at 5 AM.
Mornings are the hardest for me to get to him - between work and children and school - there is no time to go to him in the mornings except on Tues and Thurs after the children are off to school.
He is unable to read - so you can read the newspaper or a book or get well cards - (he has only been read the ones on the wall - not the ones in the green Sobey's bag in his room). There is also a trivial pursuit game in his room that will help pass the time (he is worried that he has forgotten trivial things (but he hasn't), and hopefully, eventually, he will be able to play cards.
I am hoping to find people who can visit for a while in the mornings and have a cup of coffee or something and help pass the time. If I had a list of several people and what day is best to visit then they could rotate the mornings or other times in the day. I believe that this would really help his motivation for recovery.
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