You start the day in parent mode. First thing this morning, you advise Quinn, “I want you to have fun today. Do your best and have fun that’s all that anyone could ever want. I am very proud of you.” Quinn smiles and says “I'll do my best.”
We actually got to the meet a few minutes into the warm-up period. As we get in the door, Quinn pauses and says to us in a serious parent like tone, “When I’m on the floor, don’t try to get me to leave the floor because I’m not allowed to leave and I shouldn’t be distracted.”
In past meets, we would try to see how many times we can get Quinn to wave to us during the event. I guess those days are numbered – he is growing up. We watched and I tried to videotape Quinn doing his events. Quinn did do his best and was quite pleased. So pleased that he actually took a moment to wave to us a few times. He was rewarded for his efforts with a ribbon for the pommel horse and a Dairy Queen lunch with us. He had a good morning.
We met up with Tara when we got back into town. Her choir, the Truro Youth Singers, performed at the church. She wanted to see Quinn do his thing but was torn about the commitment to the choir. When it came down to it, she chose the choir. Although I’m sad she missed seeing Quinn’s meet, I’m glad that she has a strong sense of commitment to the choir. After all a choir is a team thing.
I suggest in the afternoon that you help Quinn make the devil sticks. You don’t want to do devil sticks with Quinn. “I am useless I can’t help him.” You say. You can’t imagine how you will be a role model to the children when you can’t find the drive to do a simple thing like oversee a project like this.
The other day, I had suggested that Tara could go to a movie this afternoon. When it became obvious that I can’t leave you alone for fear of you trying to get up by yourself and falling. (you have done this twice now – when I’m out of the room.) I had to renege on my offer of a movie. Tara couldn’t take this decision without complaint. She has wanted to do things with her friends for months now. I have been putting her off, saying, “It is just for now, when Daddy is home, life will get more normal.”
“Well, Daddy is home and I still can’t do things with my friends.” She cries. I explain that we have all had to make sacrifices and that she would have to be patient. I said she should consider the sacrifices that you had made just to live. This just frustrated her more and she stomped off to her room. She is angry at you and angry with me.
You start to sob about being a burden. Quinn puts his arm around you and tell you, “We want you in our lives Daddy. We want you here for us. You are still the same Daddy. We love you.” Quinn’s kind and supportive words without tears seemed very grown up. This is our sensitive little boy, who would cry and not know why at other times. Now he is supporting you.
I could hear Tara’s crying in her room. I go to her – she doesn’t want to talk. Finally she does. Tara feels like an outsider – not able to go to the movie and then we all missed her in the choir performance. We both have a good cry. As I am trying to collect myself, Quinn comes and reaches out with open arms ready to give a good strong back-patting hug.
Tara’s melt down lead to your and my meltdowns. Quinn carried us through it all with hugs and positive thoughts. He is a seven year old adult.
The children and I recover from our weak moment and continue with our day. You can’t climb out of your despair. You start to cycle through the ‘I don’t want to be a burden’ dialogue again.
We all have bad moments and times of weakness. That’s way we need each other… to help the other through the rough times. Today was Quinn’s day to carry us. Tomorrow it will be someone else. We are all here for each other. It is a team thing.
Shortly after this, Erin arrives at the door, as if sent by a divine power, she comes to your side to hear your worries and help you deal with them. Within a few minutes, Harold arrives and he sits beside you with his arm around your shoulders, lending an ear and a thoughtful voice to your fears. Being a fellow survivor who also knows the pull of cigarettes, he can identify with your feelings.
What gives us meaning in life? Some might say being essential to another’s wellbeing is what makes us human. I think that is a trait shared by all animals but it is something that humans tend to forget but it is the healthy part to any relationship.
By the evening, I find you and Tara are cuddled in your chair. It’s bedtime for Tara but I didn’t have the heart to pull her away. The two of you had made up.
On Friday’s Tara and Quinn joined a running club at the school thanks to Karen, a teacher at the school who watches over Tara and Quinn on Fridays. This week they were given handbooks to read over about living a healthy active life. Being a detail oriented person, Tara has started to fill in the diary section that tracks what she eats and the activities that she does. You are proud of Tara for being so diligent. “If you run 20 km then I will give you my GPS watch.” You tell her.
She is happy now, She has a short term goal.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday March 27 – Finding the Good Guy
This morning, Quinn’s eyes light up when we showed him the devil sticks that we ordered for your PT. Enclosed with the devil sticks is a booklet outlining the other juggling things that one can order. Quinn immediately starts to plan how he is going to make money so that he can buy other juggling gear. A diablo is next on his ‘to get and do' list.
The two of you talk about how he can make devil sticks to sell. Quinn and I make a short list of things we need. We got all the things we needed to make several devil sticks at Home Hardware for the cost of one set online. He is very excited about this as a project.
You visit Donald again. It was a much better visit then last week. Donald was very tired before but you had a good chat today. Later in the day Janice, from the church, came to visit you. She offered up news of the church and her recent visit to Australia. You really enjoy your visit with Janice. The two of you have a special relationship as co-workers at the church. She misses you at the church. She started running, partially, because of you. This summer, she is off to Iceland to run in a half marathon to raise money for diabetes research.
Today is my Mum’s birthday. We had dinner at Juanita’s. You and Mum seem to have more in common now with all your combined hospital experience. Between you having a more talkative nature and wanting to share, the two of you talk more the I ever seen you talk together before.
Tara is spending the night at Juanita’s because we are double booked tomorrow. Quinn has a gymnastic meet in Sackville and Tara’s choir has a performance at the church in the morning. I insist on making it an early night. If we can make it to Sackville by 8 am, It will be a miracle.
At bedtime you reflect on the day. You are searching for your roles. “Visiting Donald is one thing that I can do.” You say. “I am a nice guy and I want to be really good to the people in my life and show them how much I care about them.”
Somehow you have forgotten that you are a good guy. Connecting with family and friends will help you find the ‘good guy’ inside you again.
The two of you talk about how he can make devil sticks to sell. Quinn and I make a short list of things we need. We got all the things we needed to make several devil sticks at Home Hardware for the cost of one set online. He is very excited about this as a project.
You visit Donald again. It was a much better visit then last week. Donald was very tired before but you had a good chat today. Later in the day Janice, from the church, came to visit you. She offered up news of the church and her recent visit to Australia. You really enjoy your visit with Janice. The two of you have a special relationship as co-workers at the church. She misses you at the church. She started running, partially, because of you. This summer, she is off to Iceland to run in a half marathon to raise money for diabetes research.
Today is my Mum’s birthday. We had dinner at Juanita’s. You and Mum seem to have more in common now with all your combined hospital experience. Between you having a more talkative nature and wanting to share, the two of you talk more the I ever seen you talk together before.
Tara is spending the night at Juanita’s because we are double booked tomorrow. Quinn has a gymnastic meet in Sackville and Tara’s choir has a performance at the church in the morning. I insist on making it an early night. If we can make it to Sackville by 8 am, It will be a miracle.
At bedtime you reflect on the day. You are searching for your roles. “Visiting Donald is one thing that I can do.” You say. “I am a nice guy and I want to be really good to the people in my life and show them how much I care about them.”
Somehow you have forgotten that you are a good guy. Connecting with family and friends will help you find the ‘good guy’ inside you again.
Friday March 26 – Bedtime Stories
I talked to a psychologist today at work. She is a dog person and visited today with one of her dogs. I asked if there are different psychological approaches for post stroke recoveries verses other mental health issues. She said that there are. The psychological staff at the NSRC had suggested that your care would continue when you come home. I am very relieved knowing this because like every other part of the brain, I can see that this brain part heals slowly too.
After work today I rush about picking up a few things to help Chris-proof the house. I bought a bath bench and shower nozzle. I found a few more things that I need for your sling glide to the bathtub.
The OT suggested that we get a ‘M-rail’ for the bed. I am unsure what an M-rail does but a I do know that you have difficulty pulling yourself up to the head of the bed. You need a grip to pull yourself up, so I strategically placed a large eye in a stud and tied an old dog leash to it. This should work well to pull yourself up to the head of the bed.
We haven’t got the toilet seat frame yet but I have a borrowed commode over one toilet and a 2x4 screwed to the counter beside the toilet that enables you to use it to push up. You tested the system first thing when you got home. Once you got settled on the throne, you shook my hand and delighted in the effectiveness and simplicity of it. You want to use your wood craving things to finish the top of the 2x4 off nicely and I know two children who would love to paint and decorate Dad’s ‘push up posts’!
No phone call last night – big mistake – I should have called – you were worried. There was no answer and then it was busy and then it was after 10pm when the patient switchboard shuts down. You worry about things that would never happen. Logic tells you that you these are not rational thoughts but you still think and obsess on them anyway. You can’t help it.
I asked if you smoked. “Yeah, three.” “Oh no” I groan, “Really?” “No, but I thought about it a lot.” You said. I am proud of you. One day at a time. This is another week under your belt ... a lifetime to go.
Juanita and Wayne brought you back from the city. The first thing you want to do once you are in the house, was go to your mancave. This is the first time you entered it on your own steam since August 30th. You give a big sigh and said you felt like you were home. You quickly get settled in but struggle with your TV remotes but that is excusable – I struggle with your three different remotes. It turns out it wasn’t us at all, it was the a cable problem. A quick phone call fixed that.
You are not as interested in TV since your stroke. I had feared that the stroke was going to make you into a TV watching zombie. You are far from it. It seems that the only things you like on TV are reruns of your old favorite comedies. Steinfeld, Friends, Corner Gas. I ask you if you want to watch the mountain of baseball games that I taped last fall during the playoffs. “I don’t understand it anymore – I tried watching some spring training games but I can follow them.”
While this may be music to the baseball widow’s ears, I worry about what this means. Is this a symptom of other deficiencies that we haven’t identified yet or is this something that just has to ‘reconnect’ again? Watching MLB, especially your beloved Angels, was a passion for you. If this passion is lost, what other passions are lost. I hope that this is just a sign of an inability to concentrate for long periods. With time, I hope it will come back.
At the children’s bedtime, you read to them. ‘The Diary of a Wimpy Kid’. I tidy up your mancave so that it is free of tripping hazards while you read. You didn’t miss a single left margin while reading. This is a big improvement from Christmas time. Time seems to have fixed this. I am glad because the local home care coordinator dropped of a rather thick booklet about self managed care. It explains everything you need to know as an employer. We have some lengthy light reading to do together. That will be our bedtime reading
After work today I rush about picking up a few things to help Chris-proof the house. I bought a bath bench and shower nozzle. I found a few more things that I need for your sling glide to the bathtub.
The OT suggested that we get a ‘M-rail’ for the bed. I am unsure what an M-rail does but a I do know that you have difficulty pulling yourself up to the head of the bed. You need a grip to pull yourself up, so I strategically placed a large eye in a stud and tied an old dog leash to it. This should work well to pull yourself up to the head of the bed.
We haven’t got the toilet seat frame yet but I have a borrowed commode over one toilet and a 2x4 screwed to the counter beside the toilet that enables you to use it to push up. You tested the system first thing when you got home. Once you got settled on the throne, you shook my hand and delighted in the effectiveness and simplicity of it. You want to use your wood craving things to finish the top of the 2x4 off nicely and I know two children who would love to paint and decorate Dad’s ‘push up posts’!
No phone call last night – big mistake – I should have called – you were worried. There was no answer and then it was busy and then it was after 10pm when the patient switchboard shuts down. You worry about things that would never happen. Logic tells you that you these are not rational thoughts but you still think and obsess on them anyway. You can’t help it.
I asked if you smoked. “Yeah, three.” “Oh no” I groan, “Really?” “No, but I thought about it a lot.” You said. I am proud of you. One day at a time. This is another week under your belt ... a lifetime to go.
Juanita and Wayne brought you back from the city. The first thing you want to do once you are in the house, was go to your mancave. This is the first time you entered it on your own steam since August 30th. You give a big sigh and said you felt like you were home. You quickly get settled in but struggle with your TV remotes but that is excusable – I struggle with your three different remotes. It turns out it wasn’t us at all, it was the a cable problem. A quick phone call fixed that.
You are not as interested in TV since your stroke. I had feared that the stroke was going to make you into a TV watching zombie. You are far from it. It seems that the only things you like on TV are reruns of your old favorite comedies. Steinfeld, Friends, Corner Gas. I ask you if you want to watch the mountain of baseball games that I taped last fall during the playoffs. “I don’t understand it anymore – I tried watching some spring training games but I can follow them.”
While this may be music to the baseball widow’s ears, I worry about what this means. Is this a symptom of other deficiencies that we haven’t identified yet or is this something that just has to ‘reconnect’ again? Watching MLB, especially your beloved Angels, was a passion for you. If this passion is lost, what other passions are lost. I hope that this is just a sign of an inability to concentrate for long periods. With time, I hope it will come back.
At the children’s bedtime, you read to them. ‘The Diary of a Wimpy Kid’. I tidy up your mancave so that it is free of tripping hazards while you read. You didn’t miss a single left margin while reading. This is a big improvement from Christmas time. Time seems to have fixed this. I am glad because the local home care coordinator dropped of a rather thick booklet about self managed care. It explains everything you need to know as an employer. We have some lengthy light reading to do together. That will be our bedtime reading
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday March 25 – Homecare Plan is Taking Shape
Today I got a call from the homecare coordinator at the NSRC and also the local contact. It turns out the local coordinator is a neighbor. She feels that the self-managed care program would be ideal for you. She must perform some cognitive tests done first to ensure that you are able to supervise a self-managed care program.
In essence, a self-managed care program allows you to hire a person and develop an employer – employee relationship. Once that this is in place, the provincial homecare program will give you funds to supplement the cost of your home care. This system provides a lot of latitude. We can hire who we want and can direct the employee to do specific tasks to help you through your day. A job description should be done and an evaluation to provide feedback. With me working more, we would need someone for full time hours.
To start the local homecare coordinator envisions home care for about 6 hours a day starting at 7:30 or 8am until 2 pm. After this point, we would have to arrange of someone to be with you the remaining time that I can’t be home. This is where friends and family will be a huge support.
I feel really good today – almost enthusiastic about the future – a lot of the reason is because you are feeling positive and I can see a plan taking shape with you at home..
After piano lessons, the children and I go shopping for a shower nozzle and grip bars. Tomorrow I will get a bath bench. Tonight, I installed supports by the toilet for you to support yourself with when using the throne. They are simple and made with a couple of pieces of 2x4’s but I think they seem to work well. You will get to try them out this weekend.
I missed talking to you today. When I tried to call, there was no answer. Then the next thing I knew, it was after 10pm and the patient calls won’t go through after 10 pm. I hope you don’t worry about me not calling.
In essence, a self-managed care program allows you to hire a person and develop an employer – employee relationship. Once that this is in place, the provincial homecare program will give you funds to supplement the cost of your home care. This system provides a lot of latitude. We can hire who we want and can direct the employee to do specific tasks to help you through your day. A job description should be done and an evaluation to provide feedback. With me working more, we would need someone for full time hours.
To start the local homecare coordinator envisions home care for about 6 hours a day starting at 7:30 or 8am until 2 pm. After this point, we would have to arrange of someone to be with you the remaining time that I can’t be home. This is where friends and family will be a huge support.
I feel really good today – almost enthusiastic about the future – a lot of the reason is because you are feeling positive and I can see a plan taking shape with you at home..
After piano lessons, the children and I go shopping for a shower nozzle and grip bars. Tomorrow I will get a bath bench. Tonight, I installed supports by the toilet for you to support yourself with when using the throne. They are simple and made with a couple of pieces of 2x4’s but I think they seem to work well. You will get to try them out this weekend.
I missed talking to you today. When I tried to call, there was no answer. Then the next thing I knew, it was after 10pm and the patient calls won’t go through after 10 pm. I hope you don’t worry about me not calling.
Wednesday March 24 – Thinking Like a Parent
When you have a good day – so do I. I slept well last night and awoke this morning full of energy. Our great phone call last night still has me floating above the clouds. I can see a 180 degree turn from this time two weeks ago. I think the last week in Halifax together as a family and the weekend home and visiting Donald, Marsha,Chris G and the church was instrumental to your mood shift.
Spring is coming and I can feel it in every way.
This morning, I spend a long time on the phone, Bringing people up to date on your progress. I have started a list of people who might be able to commit a few hours here and there to spend with you to help with your homecare when you get home. With my somewhat erratic schedule and being oncall at times the 24 hour adult attendance is going to be hard to achieve.
We will have to be creative in how we do this. Eventually, we may not need an adult with you at all times, but until we can find a routine and establish some safety rules and provide a safety net for you, the 24-hour supervision is a must.
You had another good day today. You have a strong voice and you have hope.
“I think I know what I want for a tattoo on my left arm.” You say. “A unicorn, with the date of the Boston marathon when I first ran it and a space for the date of when I run it next.” The unicorn is a special symbol because it is part of the Boston marathon logo.
I ask you what you think about signing the children up for soccer this year. They did love to play soccer but transporting them could be difficult with me working. We decide that we should all take the summer off and just spend time together as a family. “We need to find our roles again and just hang out together.” You say. I have to agree. This summer would be a good one to take off from the usual running around between soccer and day camps and baseball and swimming. We need time just to be a family again.
You are thinking like an insightful parent.
I tell you the plan for the weekend. You are going to come home with Juanita and Wayne on Friday and stay until Monday morning. This way, you will get to see Quinn at his gymnastics meet on Sunday morning.
I tell you that Quinn was sad again at bedtime. It seems to happen a lot. I think that when he puts his head on the pillow, he starts to take stock of his day and think about the future and counts days. Thinking about all the days that you haven’t been here makes him sad.
I really think the time you spent at home last weekend has helped you start to see a future that isn’t so bad. “When I get home, I will need lots of rest. I want to let Quinn sleep with us occasionally. I think it will be good for both of us.
There you go again … thinking like a parent.
Spring is coming and I can feel it in every way.
This morning, I spend a long time on the phone, Bringing people up to date on your progress. I have started a list of people who might be able to commit a few hours here and there to spend with you to help with your homecare when you get home. With my somewhat erratic schedule and being oncall at times the 24 hour adult attendance is going to be hard to achieve.
We will have to be creative in how we do this. Eventually, we may not need an adult with you at all times, but until we can find a routine and establish some safety rules and provide a safety net for you, the 24-hour supervision is a must.
You had another good day today. You have a strong voice and you have hope.
“I think I know what I want for a tattoo on my left arm.” You say. “A unicorn, with the date of the Boston marathon when I first ran it and a space for the date of when I run it next.” The unicorn is a special symbol because it is part of the Boston marathon logo.
I ask you what you think about signing the children up for soccer this year. They did love to play soccer but transporting them could be difficult with me working. We decide that we should all take the summer off and just spend time together as a family. “We need to find our roles again and just hang out together.” You say. I have to agree. This summer would be a good one to take off from the usual running around between soccer and day camps and baseball and swimming. We need time just to be a family again.
You are thinking like an insightful parent.
I tell you the plan for the weekend. You are going to come home with Juanita and Wayne on Friday and stay until Monday morning. This way, you will get to see Quinn at his gymnastics meet on Sunday morning.
I tell you that Quinn was sad again at bedtime. It seems to happen a lot. I think that when he puts his head on the pillow, he starts to take stock of his day and think about the future and counts days. Thinking about all the days that you haven’t been here makes him sad.
I really think the time you spent at home last weekend has helped you start to see a future that isn’t so bad. “When I get home, I will need lots of rest. I want to let Quinn sleep with us occasionally. I think it will be good for both of us.
There you go again … thinking like a parent.
Tuesday March 23 - Hope Blooms
It was a late morning this morning. The children were hard to get out of bed and I found it hard to get going too. It’s the weather I think. Last week seemed surreal with the great weather now a gray wet day seems disappointing. We walk to the school knowing that ‘late slips’ are a given. Tara tells us about the best dream she ever had. You were in it of course. No wonder she did not want to wake up. “I want Daddy to come home … I miss him.” She says.
I notice that the crocuses are coming up that Paula planted in the garden last fall. When the bulbs had arrived in the mail, I was in a frenzy. I felt overwhelmed. Everything seemed out of control and just as I was starting to think I couldn’t do any more things, the bulb order that I made before your stroke came in the mail. I couldn’t imagine when I’d find time to plant the bulbs. Then Paula, a fellow parent from the school, offered to do some gardening for me. Now the fruits for her labours are emerging through the soil and will be blooming within the month!
I find it so exciting and comforting to see a plant make it through the winter. When I see the crocuses emerge through the soil, I think about the miracle of life and it gives me hope.
On the walk to work, Annie and I got behind a smoker. The smell made me gag. How could I not notice that you smoked? The smell is so strong. Maybe I am just extra sensitive to it now since your confession and my subconscious amplifies the smell.
A long-term client, Margo, brought in her new puppy today. She and her husband have always been cat people. Margo lost her husband, Gordie, a few years ago. Now she still has cats but she has also gone to the dogs.
Gordie had a stroke too. He survived the stroke only to be taken by cancer a few years later. She shares with me her experiences. “Cherish the memories that you had before the stroke. They were a gift and now you have a new gift. A gift of a second chance.”
Your PT was sick today. She had come to work but you told her that she should go home and look after herself first so that she would be able to help you and other patients later. After your session with her she went home. You want to get her a special present for your graduation day from the NSRC. “Devil sticks!” You exclaim. “I want to get her devil sticks.” Your PT seemed to really enjoy playing with Quinn’s devil sticks last week.
We had gotten the devil sticks in Newfoundland last summer. Erik had taught the children the basics of the craft and Quinn has been perfecting and experimenting with them ever since. Your PT seemed fascinated with them. She started twirling the flower stick right away like she had been doing it all her life. I think she must have been a majorette in a past life.
Devil sticks would the perfect present for her.
You sound good tonight. You seem strong and positive about the future. I love talking to you when you are like this. Your strength is contagious. When I called Fran shortly afterwards and Luiz answered. He said “Your voice sounds strong and good.” I guess that your strength is contagious.
When you have a good day … my day is great.
I am falling for you all over again. Where have you been for the last few years. I had lost track of the great guy that you are. This stroke has brought you back to me. Your positive energy is spilling over to the future. “I want to work on who I am now and get better.” You said. “I need to find myself and my place in our family when I get home.”
You had a dog visitor today. A Lab. He was a nice dog and you enjoyed seeing him.
Whenever you met a new dog, your first gesture to make friends with the dog was to put your two hands together and make a squeaky noise with the palms of your hands pushing together. This seemed to always interest the dog and fast tracked your friendship with any canine.
You can’t make those sounds anymore. “I need two hands to make the sound.” But rather then dwell on it, you simply say. “We should get another dog. One that I can train.”
We talk about the spring and summer that we are looking forward to. The Cabot Trail Relay is on the last weekend of May. We are all very excited about going to Cape Breton or ‘Cate Brookin’ … as the children used to call it. Probably because we would always visit our friends Kate and Brook and their family. This year Annie will get to visit with her sister and two brothers and her mother. It will be a great time.
As we talk about this I realize that Tara’s dance recital is on the same weekend. “Oh no” I gasp. “How am I going to tell Tara?” You jump right into parent damage control mode. “Let her know and let her make the decision of what to do. I know if she is prepared for the choice, she will decide that she would rather see her special friend, Linnaea, more then dance at the recital.” I know that you are right. Your parenting intuition is right on.
Tonight Quinn and I put up the last handrail to your room. Now the whole house is assessable to you. Tomorrow, I am going to get a bath bench, shower attachment and install small posts in the bathrooms by the toilets to make getting seated on the toilet a little easier. Then, all we need to make is a hand rail to the garage and all the significantly big things will be done.
At bedtime Quinn started the counting again. Counting to the weekend. Three days. Counting to Easter. Twelve Days. Counting to the days until you come home. Thirty days. And finally counting to his birthday. Forty-six days. I think this is his newest stalling tactic to prevent an early lights out.
Tara decides to compose a song for your. As she lay in her bed, she hummed a tune while searching of the right words in her head. This song is for you and she wants to call it ‘Together Forever’.
Paula planted bulbs last fall and they will bloom soon. HOPE. Last fall, I planted my love and time with you and it is starting to bloom too. More HOPE.
I notice that the crocuses are coming up that Paula planted in the garden last fall. When the bulbs had arrived in the mail, I was in a frenzy. I felt overwhelmed. Everything seemed out of control and just as I was starting to think I couldn’t do any more things, the bulb order that I made before your stroke came in the mail. I couldn’t imagine when I’d find time to plant the bulbs. Then Paula, a fellow parent from the school, offered to do some gardening for me. Now the fruits for her labours are emerging through the soil and will be blooming within the month!
I find it so exciting and comforting to see a plant make it through the winter. When I see the crocuses emerge through the soil, I think about the miracle of life and it gives me hope.
On the walk to work, Annie and I got behind a smoker. The smell made me gag. How could I not notice that you smoked? The smell is so strong. Maybe I am just extra sensitive to it now since your confession and my subconscious amplifies the smell.
A long-term client, Margo, brought in her new puppy today. She and her husband have always been cat people. Margo lost her husband, Gordie, a few years ago. Now she still has cats but she has also gone to the dogs.
Gordie had a stroke too. He survived the stroke only to be taken by cancer a few years later. She shares with me her experiences. “Cherish the memories that you had before the stroke. They were a gift and now you have a new gift. A gift of a second chance.”
Your PT was sick today. She had come to work but you told her that she should go home and look after herself first so that she would be able to help you and other patients later. After your session with her she went home. You want to get her a special present for your graduation day from the NSRC. “Devil sticks!” You exclaim. “I want to get her devil sticks.” Your PT seemed to really enjoy playing with Quinn’s devil sticks last week.
We had gotten the devil sticks in Newfoundland last summer. Erik had taught the children the basics of the craft and Quinn has been perfecting and experimenting with them ever since. Your PT seemed fascinated with them. She started twirling the flower stick right away like she had been doing it all her life. I think she must have been a majorette in a past life.
Devil sticks would the perfect present for her.
You sound good tonight. You seem strong and positive about the future. I love talking to you when you are like this. Your strength is contagious. When I called Fran shortly afterwards and Luiz answered. He said “Your voice sounds strong and good.” I guess that your strength is contagious.
When you have a good day … my day is great.
I am falling for you all over again. Where have you been for the last few years. I had lost track of the great guy that you are. This stroke has brought you back to me. Your positive energy is spilling over to the future. “I want to work on who I am now and get better.” You said. “I need to find myself and my place in our family when I get home.”
You had a dog visitor today. A Lab. He was a nice dog and you enjoyed seeing him.
Whenever you met a new dog, your first gesture to make friends with the dog was to put your two hands together and make a squeaky noise with the palms of your hands pushing together. This seemed to always interest the dog and fast tracked your friendship with any canine.
You can’t make those sounds anymore. “I need two hands to make the sound.” But rather then dwell on it, you simply say. “We should get another dog. One that I can train.”
We talk about the spring and summer that we are looking forward to. The Cabot Trail Relay is on the last weekend of May. We are all very excited about going to Cape Breton or ‘Cate Brookin’ … as the children used to call it. Probably because we would always visit our friends Kate and Brook and their family. This year Annie will get to visit with her sister and two brothers and her mother. It will be a great time.
As we talk about this I realize that Tara’s dance recital is on the same weekend. “Oh no” I gasp. “How am I going to tell Tara?” You jump right into parent damage control mode. “Let her know and let her make the decision of what to do. I know if she is prepared for the choice, she will decide that she would rather see her special friend, Linnaea, more then dance at the recital.” I know that you are right. Your parenting intuition is right on.
Tonight Quinn and I put up the last handrail to your room. Now the whole house is assessable to you. Tomorrow, I am going to get a bath bench, shower attachment and install small posts in the bathrooms by the toilets to make getting seated on the toilet a little easier. Then, all we need to make is a hand rail to the garage and all the significantly big things will be done.
At bedtime Quinn started the counting again. Counting to the weekend. Three days. Counting to Easter. Twelve Days. Counting to the days until you come home. Thirty days. And finally counting to his birthday. Forty-six days. I think this is his newest stalling tactic to prevent an early lights out.
Tara decides to compose a song for your. As she lay in her bed, she hummed a tune while searching of the right words in her head. This song is for you and she wants to call it ‘Together Forever’.
Paula planted bulbs last fall and they will bloom soon. HOPE. Last fall, I planted my love and time with you and it is starting to bloom too. More HOPE.
Monday March 22 – Find Our Family Rhythm
I have been thinking about my ‘Me time’ as you call it. Right now Walking to work with Annie is my Me Time. This morning I opened an email from a friend. Sue’s email was about dogs, a subject close to both our hearts. It suggested that dog’s purpose is make you stop and think and appreciate the moment. “When someone is having a bad day” It said, “Be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.”
We need this reminder because sometimes we forget to appreciate the moment. I sighed as I read it. She’s right, and I am very guilty of forgetting lately. Recently, when I’m having a bad moment, Annie will nuzzle my elbow for attention. I was thinking that she wanted the attention but maybe she knows that I need the attention and is trying to tell me something. From now on … I will stop and think and try to appreciate the moment.
While walking home with Annie today, my mind was dancing about with ideas. I was thinking about sound. Hearing is a sense that comes from both sides and the brain processes the information so that one can tell the direction of a sound without thinking about why you know the direction. This must be because the brain integrates the auditory information somewhere. Your hearing seems fine so I wonder if there is some way that hearing can be used to compensate for your left neglect and visual field cut.
On a CBC radio show, I remember hearing about a woman who had a chemical accident that cause blindness. Since then, she has developed a special ‘seeing’ device that allowed her to ‘see’ with her ears. Her glasses have a camera, which changes a visual image into sounds that she trained her brain to ‘see’. This seems miraculous to me. I wonder if there is an application for your deficits.
As I climb the hill towards home, I start to design, in my mind, a hoist to go in our bathroom so that you can into and out of the bath tub safely. As my mind circles about the obstacles in our bathroom to building such a devise, I stumble on a memory from last year. The air is warm and the ground is soft and the light of the day all transported me to a time when we were hiking in the woods on a trial in Earltown with you almost a year ago. Oh, How things can change in a year.
Just as I was starting to feel a wave of grief come on, a car pulls up beside me. It was Karen who looks after the children on Fridays. She offers me wise words of hope and support. She said exactly what I needed to hear right now. “When Chris comes home, you will find the rhythm for your family again, meanwhile it’s one day at a time and have faith.”
It feels so good to hear that message from someone else. My own voice of hope gets hoarse after a while and I can’t hear it so well. It helps when other voices join in and increase the volume of the message.
She closes her words of wisdom with a quote from ‘Kung Fu Panda’. “Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift … that’s why they call it a present.”
Only another parent of young children can appreciate the wisdom and significance of quoting from a children’s cartoon.
It was a good day for you. You had that chance to smoke … but you didn’t.
“One day at a time.” You say echoing Harold’s wise words about not smoking from the weekend.
This is the last week for the PT student who is visiting from Sweden. You think the world of her. She is going to be a great PT. She seems to intuitively know how to move with the patient to get the best response. As I have watched the PT and her students work with you I can appreciate a intuitive nature that develops where the PT is so connected with your body mechanics that they know what you are doing right or wrong long before the patient does. It is a skill that I suspect takes a long time to develop.
Each patient would be like a new dance partner. The PT has to learn the subtle body mechanics of each patient and adapt their movements wit the patient. I got a small taste of this past weekend. It is mentally exhausting to constantly be aware of another human’s body. I found myself hushing the children when I had you walking or doing stair. I don’t dare multitask while walking with you.
We talk for quite a while on the phone tonight. You sound good and strong and you sound hopeful about the future … whatever it will look like. You said “I treasure the now … I want to live in the now and not hide my feelings.”
This is a good example of the ‘new you’. There are parts of the old you that I haven’t found since your stroke. The parts that make up the new you have always been there but they are magnified. It will take a little time to get used to the more open, honest, philosophic and sincere version of you. But that’s OK … we have the rest of our lives and I going to love to do it.
We are so much closer then we ever have been. It is mostly because you are talking and sharing and being open about all your feelings and thoughts. It’s a double-edged sword. The sharing can be a little over whelming sometimes but on the other hand, I feel very connected to you because of the sharing. I think that this new level of communication will be the basis of our new family rhythm.
We need this reminder because sometimes we forget to appreciate the moment. I sighed as I read it. She’s right, and I am very guilty of forgetting lately. Recently, when I’m having a bad moment, Annie will nuzzle my elbow for attention. I was thinking that she wanted the attention but maybe she knows that I need the attention and is trying to tell me something. From now on … I will stop and think and try to appreciate the moment.
While walking home with Annie today, my mind was dancing about with ideas. I was thinking about sound. Hearing is a sense that comes from both sides and the brain processes the information so that one can tell the direction of a sound without thinking about why you know the direction. This must be because the brain integrates the auditory information somewhere. Your hearing seems fine so I wonder if there is some way that hearing can be used to compensate for your left neglect and visual field cut.
On a CBC radio show, I remember hearing about a woman who had a chemical accident that cause blindness. Since then, she has developed a special ‘seeing’ device that allowed her to ‘see’ with her ears. Her glasses have a camera, which changes a visual image into sounds that she trained her brain to ‘see’. This seems miraculous to me. I wonder if there is an application for your deficits.
As I climb the hill towards home, I start to design, in my mind, a hoist to go in our bathroom so that you can into and out of the bath tub safely. As my mind circles about the obstacles in our bathroom to building such a devise, I stumble on a memory from last year. The air is warm and the ground is soft and the light of the day all transported me to a time when we were hiking in the woods on a trial in Earltown with you almost a year ago. Oh, How things can change in a year.
Just as I was starting to feel a wave of grief come on, a car pulls up beside me. It was Karen who looks after the children on Fridays. She offers me wise words of hope and support. She said exactly what I needed to hear right now. “When Chris comes home, you will find the rhythm for your family again, meanwhile it’s one day at a time and have faith.”
It feels so good to hear that message from someone else. My own voice of hope gets hoarse after a while and I can’t hear it so well. It helps when other voices join in and increase the volume of the message.
She closes her words of wisdom with a quote from ‘Kung Fu Panda’. “Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift … that’s why they call it a present.”
Only another parent of young children can appreciate the wisdom and significance of quoting from a children’s cartoon.
It was a good day for you. You had that chance to smoke … but you didn’t.
“One day at a time.” You say echoing Harold’s wise words about not smoking from the weekend.
This is the last week for the PT student who is visiting from Sweden. You think the world of her. She is going to be a great PT. She seems to intuitively know how to move with the patient to get the best response. As I have watched the PT and her students work with you I can appreciate a intuitive nature that develops where the PT is so connected with your body mechanics that they know what you are doing right or wrong long before the patient does. It is a skill that I suspect takes a long time to develop.
Each patient would be like a new dance partner. The PT has to learn the subtle body mechanics of each patient and adapt their movements wit the patient. I got a small taste of this past weekend. It is mentally exhausting to constantly be aware of another human’s body. I found myself hushing the children when I had you walking or doing stair. I don’t dare multitask while walking with you.
We talk for quite a while on the phone tonight. You sound good and strong and you sound hopeful about the future … whatever it will look like. You said “I treasure the now … I want to live in the now and not hide my feelings.”
This is a good example of the ‘new you’. There are parts of the old you that I haven’t found since your stroke. The parts that make up the new you have always been there but they are magnified. It will take a little time to get used to the more open, honest, philosophic and sincere version of you. But that’s OK … we have the rest of our lives and I going to love to do it.
We are so much closer then we ever have been. It is mostly because you are talking and sharing and being open about all your feelings and thoughts. It’s a double-edged sword. The sharing can be a little over whelming sometimes but on the other hand, I feel very connected to you because of the sharing. I think that this new level of communication will be the basis of our new family rhythm.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
