Thursday, December 3, 2009

Wednesday December 2 - Tooth Fairies, Santa’s Elves and Sweet Dreams

Tara is upset this morning. She had lost a tooth yesterday and the tooth fairy forgot to come. I was tired last night and went to bed early. Tara is also sore from the flu vaccine. But she wants to go to school. Quinn doesn’t feel good this morning and Fran and I decide to let him have a little extra time at home before school and wait for some tylenol to kick in.

As I walk to work with Annie, I kick myself about the tooth fairy. I wonder how the tooth fairy can redeem herself. A handwritten note, more money then usual, or perhaps a different sort of treasure. Tar has noted that the exchange rate for teeth has shifted a bit. The last teeth she lost were before your stroke. She lost two in one day. She got a crisp $5.00 bill for them. She was pleased at the time. After your stroke, Quinn lost a tooth and the tooth fairy gave Quinn almost $4.00 in loonies, quarters, dimes nickels and pennies. She is suspicious that something is unfair is occurring and now she was forgotten.

I wish you were here. If you were, this would not have happened and if it did, you would have come up with a plan to make the outcome better then ever.

Tara shares her concerns with you about the tooth fairy. You offer some advise to be patient and that the tooth fairy may be looking for a more grown up attitude before collecting the tooth.

You get a look at the report cards. Quinn is quite pleased with his. You tell him that he is a great kid and doing well. Tara is a little disappointed with hers. She thinks she could do better.

In the hour or so that we spent with you, you cried quite a bit. I try to get you to practice breathing exercises that might help you gain a little control. Quinn tries to sooth you, I want you to be home for Christmas. You try to explain to Quinn and Tara that you were sad because you realize that you are not the parent that you used to be. “I hope to be that person again someday but it may take a while. I hope you can stand by me and help me. I know there will be times when you want to be with Mummy or someone else and I understand that. When it comes up we will work it out then.”

Quinn is finished his letter to Santa Claus, he places it carefully in the fireplace for magic to make it float away.

As I try to get dinner on the table the blood donor services caal to ask you to donate blood. I tell them about your situation. The nurse says that you may not be able to give blood again. She will put a request to get this checked out in six months. They contact your doctor to see if you are fit to donate or not. I think that it is ironic that being an organ donor saved your life but in doing so you can’t donate your blood anymore. I suppose you can still donate you body.

I talk to Steve, your brother, on the phone about your condition and the upcoming assessment next week. He asks about me. I choke up. I can’t help but feel sad when I think about all that you lost. Both physical and emotional things as well as the dreams for the future you used to have. This stroke has stolen most of these dreams.

My heart aches when I think about this too much. I feel guilty that I want to turn off this pain and think about other things. When I’m at work or doing something with the children - I can turn off those feelings … I feel guilty that I can turn them off and you can’t.

I got a card today that had good advise: ‘Close your eyes and remember a time when you felt safe, when you felt strong, when you felt like everything was right with the world …Now open your eyes and let those healing thoughts guide you to a better day.’ I know I can’t dwell on our losses instead I must concentrate on the safe and strong present and future that we have. This is the only way I can feed you positive energy.

You have waves of sadness tonight. I went back to the hospital after the children are in bed. I hug you and hold you and try to say the right things. Part of the reason you are sad is that earlier in the day, Fran and Quinn were visiting you and Fran had to pop out for 15 minutes to bring Tara her ballet things for her class. Quinn didn’t want to stay with you alone. He wanted to go with Fran. You felt like a second class parent. You felt unwanted. This is a new set of feelings for you. Being a parent has always been second nature to you not second class.

We listen to some music together on your ipod, each of us with an ear piece in our ears. The physio team asked you to make a list of five of your favorite songs from the 1970’s. You had lots of songs from that era, but it was a challenge to narrow it down to five songs.

We talk about rehab and your strong determination to make the best recovery you can. Your attitude, at this point is the most important asset you have. Without the right attitude you will not make the best recovery you can.

Tonight, both the tooth fairy and Santa Claus will visit tonight. I hope sweet healing dreams will visit you.

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