No church, no Donald visit and no hot tub this weekend. You are disappointed but it’s too hard to juggle these things with being on call. I can’t leave you at the church or Donald’s or in the tub for an indefinite period of time - unsupervised. You aren’t pleased with this.
It will get better, I assure you. Once we get homecare sorted out and a routine to life, things will get better.
The animal emergencies start early today. Luckily, John came to visit just as I received the call to go into the hospital. You and John have a good long visit. When I left, you were singing my praises. When I got back, about three hours later, you were still praising my efforts. I find it hard to believe that you talked about me the whole time … I wonder what you were really talking about …
I don’t really worry about it. I know that John is a good influence on you and that the two of you really connected. That’s what is important. You have been craving friendship at the NSRC and have been getting cold professional shoulders in return. (Except for your PT – she’s wonderful). You need real friendship that supports you but also makes you accountable to the most important person you know … yourself.
PT and OT may help your body become mobile and safe, but friends will heal your ego and help you build your sense of self. You are lucky that you have good friends.
After lunch, you want to smoke. You want to go outside on the deck to smoke. Against my better judgement, I help you outside, while praying under my breath that you will find the self-control not to light up.
You feel that smoking again is inevitable. “I might as well get it out of the way.” You say. “I’ll just smoke one or two …get it out of the way.” You didn’t smoke … you forgot the matches inside! We talked instead. After you said that the feeling passed and you put the cigs away.
Maybe the cigarettes that you bought are not only a means to test yourself every day but they are they are also a way for proving to me that you are worthy of my trust.
You are the only person who can decide to stop smoking. Harold is right. It’s a daily decision.
I wonder if you use the topic of smoking, as a way to get attention, so you don’t smoke. If that’s what works, then that’s great. We will give you as much attention as we can to get you free of the habit. Perhaps one of the first self describing roles that you will use to redefine yourself (besides husband, father, son, brother and friend) will be ex-smoker
You talk to the children about what our family life might look like when you get home. You tell them that assistants will come to help you to do things but you are still going to be their father. You will still make decisions and expect the children to listen to you. They have to trust that your choices are to keep them safe.
“We may have people here who will be different from day to day.” You say. I point out, “The person who is here to look after Daddy’s needs. They aren’t here to wait on you. Daddy’s job is to look after you. Things like getting you a snack, or helping you with homework or discuss how you are going to ride your bike safely etc. These were daddy jobs before and they will be Daddy jobs again.”
You tell them that you really want to walk them home from school. “This will be our special time to chit chat and talk and share things with each other. I missed out on the last seven months of your lives. Mummy has done everything for you. Slowly, I will become your Daddy again ... your Daddy and your friend.”
The homecare person will be here to help Daddy get about safely. I expect that we will become good friends with your ‘assistants’. They will become members of our family. We are all a little excited about the future.
In the early evening, I got another call to look after an animal. Marianne came over to talk with you and the children. When I get back you look very pleased with yourself. The four of you had just had great fun playing cards. I come into a room of giggles and smiles. You decided who will get the golden 29. You gave it away to Marianne.
George came to visit – on his way out, he reminded me of the improvement that you have made since Christmas. That’s what I need to keep reminding myself of over and over again -… how much you have improved since Christmas … the changes are slow but they are real and significant and they need to be celebrated every day.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Saturday April 10 – You Obviously Don’t Know Me Very Well
Today is the ‘Walk and Roll’, the March of Dimes and Stroke Club fund raiser. You are up early and want to get there on time. Just like the before-stroke days, you were always up early to prepare for race day. This morning, you keep snapping the whip to get the family moving to get out the door. You don’t want to be late.
We meet many other stroke survivors and thrivers there. Harold is there and he introduces you to other club members. Most of the members have heard about you through the grapevine. Each person has their own special story of overcoming their new circumstances. We shared stories with a few of the members. They are an inspiring bunch of people. Strokes, and I suspect any major disease that requires a lot of fortitude to overcome, produce special people. Inspiring people.
At the registration desk, you ask “Do we get a bib numbers like in races?” You are taking this Walk and Roll challenge seriously.
The walk started close to one end of the mall and went to the other end. You were determined to walk the entire distance. I was worried that you would overdo it. We moved along slowly with Quinn following behind with the wheelchair incase you needed it.
The pace was slow but steady. At one point one of the organizers suggested that you wheel it to the area of the food court and you could walk a little more there. You looked her in the eye and said, “You obviously don’t know me very well. I am walking this thing.”
Determination has always been your strong suit. You have never quit a marathon. I suspect there are some times when you thought about quitting but you didn’t – you kept going. Even though you knew that there would be no personal best at the end of the day, you weren’t about to get a personal worst either. You always kept going.
In the afternoon, the homecare coordinator came by to show us the service plan and explained a little more about the details of self managed homecare. There is a document that we have to write to apply for self-managed care. She filled in a few medical details and wants you to flesh out the document to explain your vision for the future and your goals from homecare.
In the document, the test score for your mini mental state evaluation is mentioned. It is a 30 point test that evaluates the cognitive status of a person. You scored 29 out of 30. The only thing you missed was the drawing exercise. That is because of your left neglect. To you, the score of 29 represents a perfect score. You are pleased.
Once you get the OK for the self managed care program, we must hire 1 to 2 people to work with you. Finding the right people will be half the battle. We need someone who is able to give you the motivation and emotional support that you need and yet be able to help restore some normalcy back into our family life.
A young friend came to visit you today. Hannah is a runner like her Mother. Karen is running in the Cabot Trail Relay for your team. Hannah is too young to do this yet, but you sense that one day she will love to run as you do. Hannah and her family have been very kind to our family since your marathon begun. You wanted to show her that you appreciated it and that you see a runner when you look at her.
You gave her the last copy of a poster that you got in Boston last year. A poster that has all the runners names on it with the phrase, ‘Greatness goes by many, many names’. You think that someday, Hannah will have her name on a poster.
Generally, you don’t see yourself easily falling back into the Dad role easily. I think you are … you just don’t see it most of the time. In the afternoon, Quinn called from a friend’s place. He had his bike and asked if he should come home now. Without a moment’s hesitation, you told him yes and proceeded to reviewed the rules of the road with him and added at the end. “Drive safely”. After you hung up, you smiled and proudly said to me, “Yah, I made a decision, I told him to come home … all by myself!” Your Dad role is coming along.
Time measurement is still a frustration for you. Tonight, you swore that you called out to me from your mancave while I was upstairs trying to get dinner underway. I couldn’t hear you. “How many times did you call?” I asked. “For at least half an hour!” you replied. You were convinced that I was ignoring you. When I didn’t respond, you decided to take things into your own hands and come up stairs by yourself. You ended up falling up the stairs. Actually, Quinn found you trying to crawl up the stairs.
Communication is a problem between your room and the rest of the house. We will have to think of some way to enable better communication between levels of the house.
In doors and out doors … maybe those walkie talkies that you got many years ago – I’ll bet they are in your mancave hidden in a drawer somewhere.
The same part of you that made you walk the length of the mall this morning also made you try to crawl up the stairs tonight. Your frustration mixed with your headstrong attitude is as much as an asset as it is a liability. I can see that your future recovery team will have to posses the special skill of allowing you to use your determination for good things not risky things.
The evening ended with you not wanting to eat dinner and wanting to smoke. You said that I make you want to smoke. As always, magical timing made the phone ring. It’s a call that I have to go into the hospital for. A dog hit by a car. I called Harold. “I’ll be right over. Harold came to visit you while I tended to the dog. He helped you past the urge to smoke.
Magical timing – the right person in the right place at the right time.
NOTE TO READERS: Chris and I are looking for the right person or people to hire for the self managed care program. If you know of someone who, you think, would like to work with Chris in his recovery, please let them know that we are looking for the right people to help him (Chris says he doesn’t want the ‘wrong people’). Some personal care experience would be helpful. We need someone who is optimistic and organized, flexible (with a schedule …that is), fairly strong, animal and children friendly, reliable, has a driver’s license and can drive a standard and most importantly, appreciates a great sense of humour.
We meet many other stroke survivors and thrivers there. Harold is there and he introduces you to other club members. Most of the members have heard about you through the grapevine. Each person has their own special story of overcoming their new circumstances. We shared stories with a few of the members. They are an inspiring bunch of people. Strokes, and I suspect any major disease that requires a lot of fortitude to overcome, produce special people. Inspiring people.
At the registration desk, you ask “Do we get a bib numbers like in races?” You are taking this Walk and Roll challenge seriously.
The walk started close to one end of the mall and went to the other end. You were determined to walk the entire distance. I was worried that you would overdo it. We moved along slowly with Quinn following behind with the wheelchair incase you needed it.
The pace was slow but steady. At one point one of the organizers suggested that you wheel it to the area of the food court and you could walk a little more there. You looked her in the eye and said, “You obviously don’t know me very well. I am walking this thing.”
Determination has always been your strong suit. You have never quit a marathon. I suspect there are some times when you thought about quitting but you didn’t – you kept going. Even though you knew that there would be no personal best at the end of the day, you weren’t about to get a personal worst either. You always kept going.
In the afternoon, the homecare coordinator came by to show us the service plan and explained a little more about the details of self managed homecare. There is a document that we have to write to apply for self-managed care. She filled in a few medical details and wants you to flesh out the document to explain your vision for the future and your goals from homecare.
In the document, the test score for your mini mental state evaluation is mentioned. It is a 30 point test that evaluates the cognitive status of a person. You scored 29 out of 30. The only thing you missed was the drawing exercise. That is because of your left neglect. To you, the score of 29 represents a perfect score. You are pleased.
Once you get the OK for the self managed care program, we must hire 1 to 2 people to work with you. Finding the right people will be half the battle. We need someone who is able to give you the motivation and emotional support that you need and yet be able to help restore some normalcy back into our family life.
A young friend came to visit you today. Hannah is a runner like her Mother. Karen is running in the Cabot Trail Relay for your team. Hannah is too young to do this yet, but you sense that one day she will love to run as you do. Hannah and her family have been very kind to our family since your marathon begun. You wanted to show her that you appreciated it and that you see a runner when you look at her.
You gave her the last copy of a poster that you got in Boston last year. A poster that has all the runners names on it with the phrase, ‘Greatness goes by many, many names’. You think that someday, Hannah will have her name on a poster.
Generally, you don’t see yourself easily falling back into the Dad role easily. I think you are … you just don’t see it most of the time. In the afternoon, Quinn called from a friend’s place. He had his bike and asked if he should come home now. Without a moment’s hesitation, you told him yes and proceeded to reviewed the rules of the road with him and added at the end. “Drive safely”. After you hung up, you smiled and proudly said to me, “Yah, I made a decision, I told him to come home … all by myself!” Your Dad role is coming along.
Time measurement is still a frustration for you. Tonight, you swore that you called out to me from your mancave while I was upstairs trying to get dinner underway. I couldn’t hear you. “How many times did you call?” I asked. “For at least half an hour!” you replied. You were convinced that I was ignoring you. When I didn’t respond, you decided to take things into your own hands and come up stairs by yourself. You ended up falling up the stairs. Actually, Quinn found you trying to crawl up the stairs.
Communication is a problem between your room and the rest of the house. We will have to think of some way to enable better communication between levels of the house.
In doors and out doors … maybe those walkie talkies that you got many years ago – I’ll bet they are in your mancave hidden in a drawer somewhere.
The same part of you that made you walk the length of the mall this morning also made you try to crawl up the stairs tonight. Your frustration mixed with your headstrong attitude is as much as an asset as it is a liability. I can see that your future recovery team will have to posses the special skill of allowing you to use your determination for good things not risky things.
The evening ended with you not wanting to eat dinner and wanting to smoke. You said that I make you want to smoke. As always, magical timing made the phone ring. It’s a call that I have to go into the hospital for. A dog hit by a car. I called Harold. “I’ll be right over. Harold came to visit you while I tended to the dog. He helped you past the urge to smoke.
Magical timing – the right person in the right place at the right time.
NOTE TO READERS: Chris and I are looking for the right person or people to hire for the self managed care program. If you know of someone who, you think, would like to work with Chris in his recovery, please let them know that we are looking for the right people to help him (Chris says he doesn’t want the ‘wrong people’). Some personal care experience would be helpful. We need someone who is optimistic and organized, flexible (with a schedule …that is), fairly strong, animal and children friendly, reliable, has a driver’s license and can drive a standard and most importantly, appreciates a great sense of humour.
Friday April 9 – The Meaning of Loss
This morning I experienced a loss and a gain. I lost hot water but I gained the knowledge of how to identify a blown fuse. I know these are small things but it got me thinking about loss.
The last few weeks we have had hot water problems. This morning, I had a cold shower. Yuk. That is when I realized that I took hot water for granted. Cold showers suck.
Previously, I had figured out that the fuse blows. If I replace it I solve the problem until the fuse blows again. This was happening more and more often. Now I have a pile of fuses that I can’t tell if they are good or not. So today I called the repair guy.
He got here within 23 minutes of my phone call! How’s that for service. The box was shorting out and that blew the fuses. Within 30 minutes he had the box fixed and taught me how to tell the difference between good and bad fuses. We had hot water again.
I look at your losses and realize how much I take my body for granted. I have sensory input and abilities that don’t even register on the radar of everyday living. While your losses are profound, they could be worse.
More importantly, when you view your losses from a different way, there are gains. The book I’m reading now, ‘Five People You Meet in Heaven’ highlights this concept. Losses and gains can be the same thing when viewed differently. Perhaps in some obscure way this reveals a small bit of the meaning of life.
On the way home, we visit Mum at the Halifax infirmary. As I busy myself with getting her water and other comforts, the two of you talk. I had to excuse myself to go to the washroom. I could over hear the two of you comparing your hospital experiences and swapping advised of how to make it more tolerable. At one point, I overhear your voice penetrate the bathroom door. “Well, we’re not going to try the vigara anymore, I was getting headaches and my blood pressure went up. The duct tape and tongue depressors didn’t work very well either so I don’t know what we’ll do.” You say with a sigh. I couldn’t hear Mum’s response … thankfully.
Great, Mum never knew when you were serious and when you were kidding before your stroke. Your comic delivery of a line is still very strong … I wonder what she thought.
The last few weeks we have had hot water problems. This morning, I had a cold shower. Yuk. That is when I realized that I took hot water for granted. Cold showers suck.
Previously, I had figured out that the fuse blows. If I replace it I solve the problem until the fuse blows again. This was happening more and more often. Now I have a pile of fuses that I can’t tell if they are good or not. So today I called the repair guy.
He got here within 23 minutes of my phone call! How’s that for service. The box was shorting out and that blew the fuses. Within 30 minutes he had the box fixed and taught me how to tell the difference between good and bad fuses. We had hot water again.
I look at your losses and realize how much I take my body for granted. I have sensory input and abilities that don’t even register on the radar of everyday living. While your losses are profound, they could be worse.
More importantly, when you view your losses from a different way, there are gains. The book I’m reading now, ‘Five People You Meet in Heaven’ highlights this concept. Losses and gains can be the same thing when viewed differently. Perhaps in some obscure way this reveals a small bit of the meaning of life.
On the way home, we visit Mum at the Halifax infirmary. As I busy myself with getting her water and other comforts, the two of you talk. I had to excuse myself to go to the washroom. I could over hear the two of you comparing your hospital experiences and swapping advised of how to make it more tolerable. At one point, I overhear your voice penetrate the bathroom door. “Well, we’re not going to try the vigara anymore, I was getting headaches and my blood pressure went up. The duct tape and tongue depressors didn’t work very well either so I don’t know what we’ll do.” You say with a sigh. I couldn’t hear Mum’s response … thankfully.
Great, Mum never knew when you were serious and when you were kidding before your stroke. Your comic delivery of a line is still very strong … I wonder what she thought.
Thursday April 8 – Reconnect with Baseball
Another day of not smoking again! You thought about it and said that if I hadn’t called that you were going to smoke. I don’t think that is fair. To smoke or not is your choice, and you shouldn’t deflect the choice to my actions.
You asked about the baseball season and the W-L for the Angels. I looked it up for you. You are worried that you won’t be able to follow a game. You have tried to watch a bit of baseball on the TV at the hospital but you feel confused by the game. I don’t know if it’s a concentration thing or something else.
I tell you that Quinn wants to play ball this summer. You have mixed feelings about it. “What use can I be to him. I can throw but I can’t catch.” No binocular vision makes depth perception very difficult. I remind you that there is more to baseball then the physicality of it. There is the strategies and the folklore of the game that you can share with the children.
I can’t think of a better way to reconnect to a passion like baseball then by sharing it with your children.
I will pick you up from the rehab tomorrow. Mum’s surgery went well. You want to visit with her with me on the way home. This will be the first time since Oct 30th that you are back in this hospital. I wonder if it will evoke any memories?
You asked about the baseball season and the W-L for the Angels. I looked it up for you. You are worried that you won’t be able to follow a game. You have tried to watch a bit of baseball on the TV at the hospital but you feel confused by the game. I don’t know if it’s a concentration thing or something else.
I tell you that Quinn wants to play ball this summer. You have mixed feelings about it. “What use can I be to him. I can throw but I can’t catch.” No binocular vision makes depth perception very difficult. I remind you that there is more to baseball then the physicality of it. There is the strategies and the folklore of the game that you can share with the children.
I can’t think of a better way to reconnect to a passion like baseball then by sharing it with your children.
I will pick you up from the rehab tomorrow. Mum’s surgery went well. You want to visit with her with me on the way home. This will be the first time since Oct 30th that you are back in this hospital. I wonder if it will evoke any memories?
Wednesday April 7 – A Long Day but a Good Day
It’s a very early day today. My Mum has to be at the hospital in Halifax by six AM for her long waited for back surgery. That means a four AM wake up to get her to the hospital for her surgery. Going through the doors of the QE2 Halifax Infirmary again felt very strange.
After dropping Mum off, I have to drive right back to Truro because I start my workday at nine AM. There is no time to visit you. I am a little apprehensive about Mum’s surgery. It’s a big surgery and we hope that it will improve her quality of life but it will be a long recovery.
It looks like the hospital visits may end for you but they will start for Mum. Later in the day, Juanita calls to say that Mum’s surgery was six hours long and so far… so good.
As I drive back to Truro I think about how the children have been and will be our salvation. I look at them and I see hope and then I have hope. When I think about your life and my life, I feel tired, when I think about them I am renewed. They impart energy to me that no one else can.
This is good thing because today when I realized, at the last minute, that Tara was to sing at the music festival, I was catapulted into action to get her dressed and at the festival in less then 50 minutes while still at work. Thankfully, Carmen from work, scooped her up and got her to the festival in time while I finished up at work so I could get there to see her perform.
It was a long day but a good day.
You had a good day too. There was a point that you wanted to smoke but a nurse from the 5th floor saved you from smoking and she is a smoker – she gently persuaded you not to smoke. I expect that this is an aquired skill that is not taught at nursing school.
After dropping Mum off, I have to drive right back to Truro because I start my workday at nine AM. There is no time to visit you. I am a little apprehensive about Mum’s surgery. It’s a big surgery and we hope that it will improve her quality of life but it will be a long recovery.
It looks like the hospital visits may end for you but they will start for Mum. Later in the day, Juanita calls to say that Mum’s surgery was six hours long and so far… so good.
As I drive back to Truro I think about how the children have been and will be our salvation. I look at them and I see hope and then I have hope. When I think about your life and my life, I feel tired, when I think about them I am renewed. They impart energy to me that no one else can.
This is good thing because today when I realized, at the last minute, that Tara was to sing at the music festival, I was catapulted into action to get her dressed and at the festival in less then 50 minutes while still at work. Thankfully, Carmen from work, scooped her up and got her to the festival in time while I finished up at work so I could get there to see her perform.
It was a long day but a good day.
You had a good day too. There was a point that you wanted to smoke but a nurse from the 5th floor saved you from smoking and she is a smoker – she gently persuaded you not to smoke. I expect that this is an aquired skill that is not taught at nursing school.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Tuesday April 6 - Counting Days and Blessings
I couldn’t sleep well last night. I tossed about and couldn’t find my right place in the bed. You weren’t there. Quinn was there instead and just as I finally did drift off to sleep, he managed to kick me in the head.
Quinn started the count down to when you are home for good. “Two weeks and two days!” He said gleefully this morning. He seemed to have a great sleep. He is wide-awake and ready to go first thing today.
I don’t know how set the ‘discharge date’ is yet. April 22 is on a Thursday and I’m on call again that weekend and have a vet meeting in Halifax on the Friday. I hope to take you home with me on the Friday for good. Official homecare won’t start until after the weekend. Luckily, that weekend I think I only work the nights. I will be able to manage the on call for the nights if I have someone to be on standby for help if needed in the middle of the night. That leaves the days free to be with you.
I can see that life is going to get more complicated when you get home.
You are sad today. “A headache” you said. You hung up on me for the first phone call. You were angry that I didn’t call you last night before bed. I try to help you understand that I couldn’t drive home from Halifax, pick up the children and get them settled in bed and get things ready for the today and get you called before 10pm. I know that you understand that I am trying, but having you hang up on me made me feel awful.
I called back right away. You talk and I listen and we talk more and you seem better. I swallowed hard and asked, “Did you smoke today?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. “I wanted to so I checked out the place outside to see if I could get myself there and back OK … but I didn’t smoke.”
The choice was yours and you choose not to smoke … today. I am proud of you. You had a rough day between the stress of me not calling you last night and a headache as well as all the other reasons you could find to justify to yourself that smoking a cigarette was OK – you still choose not to smoke. That is progress.
Quinn is counting down the days until you come home, you are counting up the days of choosing to not smoke and I am trying to count my blessings.
Quinn started the count down to when you are home for good. “Two weeks and two days!” He said gleefully this morning. He seemed to have a great sleep. He is wide-awake and ready to go first thing today.
I don’t know how set the ‘discharge date’ is yet. April 22 is on a Thursday and I’m on call again that weekend and have a vet meeting in Halifax on the Friday. I hope to take you home with me on the Friday for good. Official homecare won’t start until after the weekend. Luckily, that weekend I think I only work the nights. I will be able to manage the on call for the nights if I have someone to be on standby for help if needed in the middle of the night. That leaves the days free to be with you.
I can see that life is going to get more complicated when you get home.
You are sad today. “A headache” you said. You hung up on me for the first phone call. You were angry that I didn’t call you last night before bed. I try to help you understand that I couldn’t drive home from Halifax, pick up the children and get them settled in bed and get things ready for the today and get you called before 10pm. I know that you understand that I am trying, but having you hang up on me made me feel awful.
I called back right away. You talk and I listen and we talk more and you seem better. I swallowed hard and asked, “Did you smoke today?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. “I wanted to so I checked out the place outside to see if I could get myself there and back OK … but I didn’t smoke.”
The choice was yours and you choose not to smoke … today. I am proud of you. You had a rough day between the stress of me not calling you last night and a headache as well as all the other reasons you could find to justify to yourself that smoking a cigarette was OK – you still choose not to smoke. That is progress.
Quinn is counting down the days until you come home, you are counting up the days of choosing to not smoke and I am trying to count my blessings.
Monday April 5 – Pep Talks vs the Cigs
You want cigarettes. It is becoming an ongoing conversation. I can’t distract you from it. You want me to enable you to get cigarettes but I can’t. I could not, morally, get you cigarettes anymore then I could put one in Tara or Quinn’s mouth and light it up.
So I said "No, but you can get someone else to do that for you." That's when you thought of the only friend you have who is a bit of a rebel. You called Chris G. He came to your rescue. He got you the two packs you asked for “A mild flavour cigarette because I couldn’t smoke my usual brand now after seven months and a pack of my usual stronger brand.”
I was a little miffed at Chris G for caving to your whims, but then I thought about it.
I think - in hindsight - that having the cigs in your hands empowers you to make the decision not to smoke. I have forgotten that you never actually intended to quit smoking seven months ago - that decision was forced on you. For success - you have to want to quit. For most people to quit, they choose to quit at a non-stressful time in their life. You are trying to quit at the most stressed time of your life. It is a very different battle.
The most important thing for me, at this time, is … if you smoke, there will be no secrets. You promised me you would tell me and I promised you that I would still love you and continue to give you support for quitting.
Chris G empowered you to take charge of something that you can control - the choice not to smoke. One day at a time you say.
After a good night’s rest things seem better. It’s a beautiful day and we are all tired of being indoors in the hospital setting. On Friday, I set up and filled up the hot tub. The hot tub is an ‘appliance’ that we have enjoyed over the years as a family. We bought with my tax refund the year after I was off for a few months recovering from knee surgery. It was sort of my 40th birthday present. We thought that we are or will be entering the back half of our lives and a little physical comfort from time to time is just what we needed.
You enjoyed it the most. After long runs, it would allow your body to loosen and relax. Once the children were pee and poop proof, they started to enjoy the hot tub fun. We would have contests in the tub. Games like: breath holding under water and running around the house in only a bathing suit on a winter’s day and plunging into the tub at the end.
We have had many conversations in the tub. Things like plans for the future and the special gifts that the children show us.
The hot tub is a family bonding appliance. Last fall, I drained it and stored it away for the first time in eight years. I had thought that we might sell it because at the time, I couldn’t imagine how we would get back those experiences. I was wrong.
Getting into the hot tub is a carefully planned event. You are able to walk out to the tub and sit on the edge. As you sit, I lift your left leg up and over the edge while you support yourself steady with the cane in your right hand. Then once you have straddled the edge, you swing your other leg over the edge. And slip into the water.
You must have someone to your left to support you incase you list to your left and be forced to blow bubbles as your head submerges. For the most part you are at ease in the tub. We discover that you have a little sensation to the left of your spine but you can’t feel anything in your left hand or foot. In all, the tub was a good experience. I think it has some therapeutic value for you.
Pep talks. We all take turns to give you pep talks. Tara, Quinn and I, as well as, all your friends. We are getting good at the pep talks. Just as you needed pain medication in the early days and the doctors ordered drugs on an as needed basis, you need emotional pain relief now.
The pep talks are the antidote to your dark thoughts. You need this positive attitude showered on you on a regular basis for treatment and prevention of the darkness. Talking out your emotional pain helps you but it is exhausting to us. I wear down trying to keep you up emotionally. I think that this is what made yesterday so tough.
Today, Tara, Quinn, Chris G, Harold and I tag-team each other with the pep talks. As a result, life is easier and the benefits are wonderful. “ I want to go home and be the best father and husband for my family that I can be.” You say as we drive back to Halifax. “I going to try to work at it. I know it will be hard. I have a lot to live up to. The necklace I gave you represents my promise to work hard at it.”
After dropping you off at the rehab, I realize that there will only be two more trips to the rehab before you are home. Then I realize that we aren’t even at the half-way point yet of your marathon. I feel tired at the thought that we are no where’s near the finish line … I’m beginning to doubt that there is a finish line. This thought drains my energy.
Last night, Tara was upset. She is angry. She has every right to be angry. She even identified her anger in our conversation. When I told her about the stages of grief and that anger was one of them and it was normal to have it, she seemed a little relieved. I recognize that her anger will only get worse if we ignore it as she enters her teen years. Angry teens do stupid things that can have big repercussions. I don’t want that to be in Tara’s life story.
So I said "No, but you can get someone else to do that for you." That's when you thought of the only friend you have who is a bit of a rebel. You called Chris G. He came to your rescue. He got you the two packs you asked for “A mild flavour cigarette because I couldn’t smoke my usual brand now after seven months and a pack of my usual stronger brand.”
I was a little miffed at Chris G for caving to your whims, but then I thought about it.
I think - in hindsight - that having the cigs in your hands empowers you to make the decision not to smoke. I have forgotten that you never actually intended to quit smoking seven months ago - that decision was forced on you. For success - you have to want to quit. For most people to quit, they choose to quit at a non-stressful time in their life. You are trying to quit at the most stressed time of your life. It is a very different battle.
The most important thing for me, at this time, is … if you smoke, there will be no secrets. You promised me you would tell me and I promised you that I would still love you and continue to give you support for quitting.
Chris G empowered you to take charge of something that you can control - the choice not to smoke. One day at a time you say.
After a good night’s rest things seem better. It’s a beautiful day and we are all tired of being indoors in the hospital setting. On Friday, I set up and filled up the hot tub. The hot tub is an ‘appliance’ that we have enjoyed over the years as a family. We bought with my tax refund the year after I was off for a few months recovering from knee surgery. It was sort of my 40th birthday present. We thought that we are or will be entering the back half of our lives and a little physical comfort from time to time is just what we needed.
You enjoyed it the most. After long runs, it would allow your body to loosen and relax. Once the children were pee and poop proof, they started to enjoy the hot tub fun. We would have contests in the tub. Games like: breath holding under water and running around the house in only a bathing suit on a winter’s day and plunging into the tub at the end.
We have had many conversations in the tub. Things like plans for the future and the special gifts that the children show us.
The hot tub is a family bonding appliance. Last fall, I drained it and stored it away for the first time in eight years. I had thought that we might sell it because at the time, I couldn’t imagine how we would get back those experiences. I was wrong.
Getting into the hot tub is a carefully planned event. You are able to walk out to the tub and sit on the edge. As you sit, I lift your left leg up and over the edge while you support yourself steady with the cane in your right hand. Then once you have straddled the edge, you swing your other leg over the edge. And slip into the water.
You must have someone to your left to support you incase you list to your left and be forced to blow bubbles as your head submerges. For the most part you are at ease in the tub. We discover that you have a little sensation to the left of your spine but you can’t feel anything in your left hand or foot. In all, the tub was a good experience. I think it has some therapeutic value for you.
Pep talks. We all take turns to give you pep talks. Tara, Quinn and I, as well as, all your friends. We are getting good at the pep talks. Just as you needed pain medication in the early days and the doctors ordered drugs on an as needed basis, you need emotional pain relief now.
The pep talks are the antidote to your dark thoughts. You need this positive attitude showered on you on a regular basis for treatment and prevention of the darkness. Talking out your emotional pain helps you but it is exhausting to us. I wear down trying to keep you up emotionally. I think that this is what made yesterday so tough.
Today, Tara, Quinn, Chris G, Harold and I tag-team each other with the pep talks. As a result, life is easier and the benefits are wonderful. “ I want to go home and be the best father and husband for my family that I can be.” You say as we drive back to Halifax. “I going to try to work at it. I know it will be hard. I have a lot to live up to. The necklace I gave you represents my promise to work hard at it.”
After dropping you off at the rehab, I realize that there will only be two more trips to the rehab before you are home. Then I realize that we aren’t even at the half-way point yet of your marathon. I feel tired at the thought that we are no where’s near the finish line … I’m beginning to doubt that there is a finish line. This thought drains my energy.
Last night, Tara was upset. She is angry. She has every right to be angry. She even identified her anger in our conversation. When I told her about the stages of grief and that anger was one of them and it was normal to have it, she seemed a little relieved. I recognize that her anger will only get worse if we ignore it as she enters her teen years. Angry teens do stupid things that can have big repercussions. I don’t want that to be in Tara’s life story.
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