Saturday, September 5, 2009

Saturday, September 5th (Bedtime)

I found two feathers in two days, When I find the third – we will make a dream catcher – because, I know, as you come back to us, there will be a maze of paths in your head – colours and shapes swirling around you as your neurons try to find each other and you try to find us. Some of these images, sounds, smells and thoughts may be frightening to you. Let the dream catcher help you find the way. Magic worked before – maybe it will help again.

Today, Chris was coasting at the hospital. The level of conscious is slowly being allowed to emerge. This was DeeDee, Grandpa and Steve’s last chance to see you – until they come back to Nova Scotia. They went in first. I gave them your Boston Marathon ball cap to put on your head.

Quinn and Tara are with us – They want to see Chris but are a little apprehensive. I thought the hat might help make you look a little less scary. When Tara, Quinn and I go in, you have your hat on and the magic blanket over your legs. You still look odd with the ventilator and feeding tube – but you are loved.

The children don’t want to touch you, because they are worried that might be bad. Kirsten, the nurse, reassures them “ It’s OK, just don’t rub him”. I tried to explain that if we held your hand, you would feel our warmth. That’s good, but if we rub or gently tickle you, that also tickles your brain and your brain isn’t ready for that right now. Our three hands make a ball with your right hand – we draw the coolness of you hand away and give you our warmth … our life energy.

After a few minutes, Tara says, “I want to see all of Daddy’s head”. Quinn doesn’t. I was going to take Quinn back out to the waiting area, when he turned away and back to your side with his eyes closed and said, “just tell me what he is like, Tara, tell me what is he like.” Nurse Kirsten removes the hat gently, your right hand protests – That’s a good sign. Tara doesn’t say anything, Quinn opens his eyes and holds your hand. Nurse Kirsten gets you to give us a ‘thumbs up’. We feel you coming back to us.

Your BP is up today. The staff are worried. You are started on a hypertension drug. It’s not helping. Nitroglycerine helped for a short while. I ask about the repeat chest radiographs – not any worse Kirsten says. “Any plans for an echo on the heart?” I ask (We have to find out why the increased BP – that’s what got him here in the first place.)

“I’ll discuss that with the doctors” she says. Later, in the visit, it turns out that the arterial line is clogged – she couldn’t get blood for a blood gas. This may affect the BP reading. They are going to put a new arterial line in – see if it makes a difference. We leave the room and join Fran, Juanita, Bill, Wayne, Maddie, Neeson and Erik in the waiting room. DeeDee, Grandpa and Steve visit again for a while and we all keep taking turns (only three people allowed at a time). While Erik (nephew) held your hand – you rubbed his knuckles!

We take the Ottawa Cashens back to the airport (I’m starting to feel tired) – make arrangements to call everyday. Steve will be glad to see his wife, Laura – she wasn’t able to come – he’s been going through this week without his best friend.

Once home, Fran takes the kids to Juanita’s house – I try to sleep – I can’t – more ideas of what to do for Chris. The phone rings – it’s Luiz, Fran’s husband – he reminds me that it’s been almost 72 hrs since the drain was put in and the doctors said the first 72 hrs is the riskiest. Thank You Luiz – I had lost track of time. More phone calls – Janice is visiting him again. I call the nurse’s station to see if a new arterial line has made a difference. No it hadn’t. They are going to try more drugs.

Fran comes back with the children, we have a snuggle session on the big bed and talk about my crystal ball and how well it’s working. I tell them that they have crystal balls too – and if you think hard enough you can see Daddy doing things around the house, playing cards, checkers, reading bedtime stories … doing Daddy things. If they can keep that in their minds – it will happen.

Quinn takes me to bed – the big bed. Tara wants her bed back. Fran is staying with us – to watch over us. I think I’m going to sleep. We all go to bed.

I have only slept a few restless hours since your fight of life began. Now, DeeDee, Grandpa and Steve are sending you their love and energy from Ottawa, for the first time, I feel tired. Fran brought home a mild sedative for me to take – I don’t want to take it – for fear of losing your subconscious connection to me. I think, I can sleep without drugs – I’m tried.

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