Quinn seems pretty good today. Maybe he is finally starting to come around or maybe it’s because he saw you yesterday. That may have helped way lay some of his fears. I have to remember that without believable factual information, children tend to fill in the blanks themselves. Quinn has not said anything that make me think his is filling in the blanks. But I believe he is – that’s the way his mind works.
On the first night, before we got the results from your first CT scan, We knew you were sick and knew it might be serious but we didn’t know that you would die. I asked Tara if she wanted to see you. She wasn’t sure. She started to cry. Then she blurted out “I don’t want to see Daddy’s insides!” Oh God, I never took the time to prepare her for the visit so she filled in the information with her own details. Since then, I have tried to prepare the children as much as possible for every turn in the road.
Tara is very verbal about her concerns. She shares everything … sometimes I think she makes up things to share. Quinn is the other extreme. He keeps it all inside and just gets sad. I don’t know how to get him talking and sharing. I think if I knew what he was thinking, I could help get rid of some anxiety.
It’s raining … again. I’m glad it waited this long for the rain and we didn’t get this when you were in the ICU. I’m at a mental state where I can take it now … it’s just rain.
Tara is up early and spends an hour ‘organ sizing’ the beads she brought yesterday. Tara and Quinn are very organize oriented. The Easter when Tara was two, we had an Easter egg hunt at my Mums. Neeson and Erik were both there. Being older they managed to get a lot of the eggs. The eggs came in all colours. Later that day, Neeson, then six, caught Tara going through his eggs! He was upset, thinking she was going to take some. Tara replied in a calm voice “I’m just organ-sizing them Neeson.” The term has stuck with us since. I can’t wait to tell her ‘meet-the-parents’ boyfriends that they better watch out because Tara started to organ-sizing at a very young age. On second thought – I better not … Tara may never forgive me.
Second Division Playoff game: Angels won against Boston again last night LAA 4 vs BOS 1. Next game is Sunday afternoon in Boston.
When we get to your room it’s 10 AM and DeeDee and Grandpa are there. Tara spends the better part of an hour describing, in detail, the entire story line to “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs”. Quinn kicks in an occasional missed highlight when he can get a word in edgewise. Quinn also shows off his talents with the devil sticks. He has been working on some new tricks. He can even do them wit his eyes closed.
You are starting to feel a bit nauseous and crampy. It maybe a side effect of the medications you are on. The nurse gives you some gravol to settle your stomach. It seems to work but it also makes you sleepy.
When I went to get some lunch for the children, I found a photo album for pictures of your visitor/fans who cheer you along as you keep going in your marathon.
As I walk, in the rain, back to the hospital, with the food and the album, I think about the meaning of a ‘normal’ life. I know our lives are far from normal right now. At times I really crave ‘normal’. I wake up and realize that my sleep was just an escape from our present day ‘normal’. Today, for the first time, I don’t feel as much anxiety at the thought of you curled up in a hospital bed. Why is today pivotal? Like any change, I suppose it takes time to get used to a new state of normal. Some days are better then others.
I think about the chickens and they new state of normal. They had never been outside before. They hadn’t felt the morning dew or the direct sunshine or smelled the dirt or hunted for bugs. They didn’t have a normal life. But the life they know was normal to them. Now, with the new outside pen, they have sorts of new experiences. A new state of normal. Yet they were quite apprehensive to come out of their house. The familiar was more comforting then a life of exciting healthy experiences. For our new normal thw world doesn’t feel quite right but we are getting used to it a little at a time.
DeeDee and Grandpa say their good byes. They fly back to Ottawa in the afternoon. It’s hard for them to go but I think they are glad they came and you rallied for their visit. Saying good bye wore you out. We let you slept.
I take the kids to Discovery center. Ironically the main exhibit is the about the Brain! The first interactive station we come across is a model of the brain and all it’s parts. The challenge is to put the parts back together. Tara is a little frustrated with the task after about 5 minutes. Quinn picks up and proceeds to put it together easily. I guess we know who the brain surgeon in the family will be!
The rest of the exhibit was about personality types. There were several stations where you answer questions about yourself to determine your personality tendencies. Neither Tara or Quinn tested very high on the anxiety scale.
Maybe I am just reflecting my anxiety onto them and worrying about that.
When we return, you are tired and feel hot. You want to listen to your ipod. Tara and Quinn find it difficult to be quiet. I give up trying to shhhh them. We kiss good night, pick up a movie and go back to Mary and Stuart’s home to settle for the night.
Both Andrea and Christian, Mary and Stuart’s children, play the drums. They have numerous drum sets in the basement of their house. Tara and Quinn take turns playing the drums. Oh Boy – I’m glad they play the piano.
We rented a movie, ‘Hotel for Dogs’. About two foster children who befriend a huge pack of dogs and trash them away from the authorities in an old run down hotel. Tara and Quinn really enjoy it.
I sit between them, on the sofa, thinking about our new ‘normal’ life.