Wednesday April 28 - Six Cigarettes and a Three Page Letter.

I couldn’t sleep tonight so I journaled. I emptied the bad thoughts out and tried to find my way to peace. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to help you see the your self-destruction.

Last night, when we locked horns, I said, I knew that it would be best for our family if you didn’t smoke, but I knew that I couldn’t make you stop. I am so frustrated. I don’t know how to get you to want to quit smoking. Well actually I could make you stop but it wouldn’t be your decision and it would be a rather poor basis of our relationship. I plan to call your psychologist to see what her advice is in the morning.

I awoke again at 4:30 am. I am angry. I know it is redirected anger. I am really angry at myself for falling for the mulligan ploy. I should have known better. Now, the nicotine is finding a home in your body and once it settles in … it will never want to leave.

My anger turns to the NSRC. I lay in bed for about 2 hours thinking of all the issues that I have with the NSRC. I spent the next few hours writing a letter about our experiences at the rehab. It was a long letter and covered a lot of areas of heartache. I figure that if I am going to be angry, then I should use it for Good not Evil. Even redirected anger is better directed at the people or person who is best suited to make a difference.

I carefully compose a three page letter. I make various suggestions and hope that it will not fall on deaf ears.

In the morning, I called your psychologist at the NSRC. She is very understanding but also somewhat useless with advice. “You can help him go outside and smoke or you can make him do it himself and he might get hurt. There is no right or wrong answer.” Either way you are hurting yourself. She suggests a compromise. “You could give him coupons for trips outside and allow him to trust you so that he is not stressed about when he is going to get outside again.” I like this idea. It could limit the number of cigarettes that you smoke in a day. I promised to try this and we discuss how you get fixated on things and how best to help you get past something that you are stuck on.

By the end of the day you smoked six cigarettes.